APRIL 2, 1946

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senator Donnell Opposes Vardaman Nomination. Impact: If Vardaman had been appointed, the Federal Reserve might have pivoted to a strange new monetary policy based on the teachings of 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate Economies'. Future economists would be baffled, leading to the rise of a lucrative profession in 'How Not to Manage Money'.. Fact: Senator Donnell's rejection of Vardaman might have saved the economy, or at least delayed its inevitable confusion. Who says politics doesn't matter?.
• Headline: Victory Medal for WWII Veterans Announced. Impact: The introduction of the Victory Medal created a new precedent for recognizing service, inspiring future generations to create medals for everything from participation to mere existence. Thanks to this, we now have medals for 'Showing Up' and 'Best Effort'.. Fact: The Victory Medal is like the participation trophy of the military world. Because nothing says 'thank you for risking your life' like a shiny piece of metal!.
• Headline: Mayor Proposes 1946 City Budget. Impact: The proposed budget for Camp LaGuardia cannery sparked a long debate over municipal funding that ended up with a city-wide bake sale. Ironically, the bake sale raised more money than the budget ever did.. Fact: Budget proposals are the adult version of ‘who ate my lunch?’. Spoiler alert: it was probably the mayor..
• Headline: Named Deputy Comptroller. Impact: W L Pfeiffer's appointment as deputy comptroller created a chain reaction where every future deputy comptroller felt the need to have a fancy title, leading to the creation of the Deputy Assistant Under-Secretary of Things Nobody Cares About.. Fact: Becoming a deputy comptroller is the equivalent of being the assistant to the regional manager, only with less excitement and more spreadsheets..
• Headline: NEWSPRINT UP FROM 1945; February Output Is Reported 4,819 Tons Above a Year Ago. Impact: Increased newsprint production led to a surge in newspaper articles about the weather, which in turn caused an uptick in people discussing the weather instead of real issues, effectively creating the modern-day small talk epidemic.. Fact: If only we could print money as easily as we print news, we wouldn’t have these pesky economic issues to worry about!.
• Headline: ILO SESSION WARNED OF 'ARMED TRUCE' ERA. Impact: This warning about an 'armed truce' era reverberated through time, leading to the invention of the metaphorical 'cold shoulder' in international relations, which somehow became more popular than actual peace treaties.. Fact: An 'armed truce' is basically the international equivalent of saying, 'We’re not friends, but we won’t actively try to kill each other right now.'.
• Headline: Britons Outdo War Days In Yielding Up Weapons. Impact: The overwhelming response to the appeal for war trophies led to an unintentional arms race in nostalgia, where every household began digging through their attics for that one rusty old sword they thought was a family heirloom.. Fact: Giving up your weapons might sound noble, but it turns out your great-grandfather's sword is a lot heavier than you remember..
• Headline: Surplus Tops Estimate Of Dewey by 10 Million. Impact: Dewey's underestimated surplus ignited a wave of optimism that led to the creation of wildly unrealistic budget forecasts for decades to come, proving once again that the only thing more inflated than budget estimates is the ego of the person who made them.. Fact: At this rate, we should just start throwing darts at a board to determine budget estimates. It would be just as accurate!.