FEBRUARY 9, 1946

Full News Archive

• Headline: Books and Academia in the Roaring Forties. Impact: If only Shulman had written about knitting instead of zebras, the entire world might have been swathed in cozy sweaters instead of academic debates. Who knew a zebra derby could lead to an avalanche of knitted fashion trends?. Fact: In the world of literature, 'Zebra Derby' is actually a euphemism for the chaotic nature of academic life. Or maybe it's just a really bizarre race that never took off..
• Headline: Gunther Wins Golf Final at Palm Beach. Impact: Miss Gunther's victory may have inspired an entire generation of young girls to take up golf, leading to a future where golf courses are overrun with competitive women, and the phrase 'fore!' becomes a rallying cry for equality.. Fact: Golf: the only sport where you can call someone a 'duffer' and it's not considered an insult, just a term for the amateurs who are decidedly not Miss Gunther..
• Headline: MOVES TO BRING OUT HOARDED NYLONS; CPA Halts output of Stockings and Shirts by Makers With High Inventories ALL MATERIALS BARRED Compliance Director Intimates Ban May Spread to Distributors and Retailers of Hose. Impact: The hoarding of nylons led to a dramatic increase in leg-baring fashion trends, culminating in a world where pants were optional and fashion designers had to get creative with, well, everything else.. Fact: In a world without nylons, the invention of the 'bottomless' pants trend was literally just around the corner. Thank you, hoarding!.
• Headline: $610,000 QUOTA IN QUEENS; Red Cross Chapter Opens Offices to Conduct Fund Drive. Impact: The Red Cross's fundraising goals in Queens might have sparked a new era of charitable competition, where local chapters now battle it out in a never-ending cycle of bake sales and car washes.. Fact: The Red Cross and bake sales: the original combination that made 'helping others' a deliciously sweet affair..
• Headline: Abroad; The Campaign Oratory in the Soviet Elections. Impact: McCormick's indictment of Great Britain could have set in motion an alternate timeline where the U.S. adopts a British accent, leading to a world where tea time is a mandatory office break.. Fact: Soviet election oratory is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s blame all our problems on the British and hope no one notices.'.
• Headline: BUDGETS TREBLED FOR JEWISH RELIEF; Federation Council Is Told All Agencies Require Total of $140,000,000 for Needy. Impact: The trebling of budgets for Jewish relief may have inadvertently led to the rise of charitable organizations worldwide, resulting in the most benevolent arms race ever conceived.. Fact: The term 'trebled' in budgeting is actually a financial term that means 'let's just throw money at the problem until it goes away.'.
• Headline: ICKES' APPOINTMENTS HIT; Alaska Rail Manager Is Asked What Some Employes Do. Impact: Ickes' controversial appointments could have inspired a new era of cronyism, where everyone figured if they couldn't beat them, they might as well join them on the payroll.. Fact: Politicians and their friends: the original ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’ club, without the actual back-scratching..
• Headline: PASTOR GOING TO ITALY; Rev. H.V. Yergin Will Serve as Church Liaison Worker. Impact: Rev. H.V. Yergin's journey to Italy may have led to a mystical convergence of American Protestantism and Italian pasta culture, resulting in a deliciously divine fusion of sermons and spaghetti.. Fact: When in Italy, a priest's greatest temptation isn't sin—it's the endless supply of carbs..
• Headline: AIR ACE WINS LENIENCY; Charges of Ceiling-Price Violations Dropped by OPA. Impact: The leniency shown to the Air Ace could have set a precedent for future violations, where combat records become the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card. Who knew being a hero came with perks?. Fact: Flying high in the sky might just come with a side of legal immunity. Who knew that dodging bullets also meant dodging fines?.