JANUARY 6, 1946

Full News Archive

• Headline: La Follette Challenges Willis for Senate Nomination. Impact: La Follette’s campaign ignites a grassroots enthusiasm that leads to a coffee shop revolution, where baristas start spouting political philosophy, resulting in an entire generation of ‘woke’ coffee drinkers who can’t decide if they want soy or to overthrow the government. Fact: La Follette was known for his progressive ideas, which were so ahead of their time that they actually caused time travelers to take notes and try to sell them as self-help books in the 21st century.
• Headline: Aid to Polish Jews Post-War. Impact: This act of solidarity helps to create an unbreakable bond between nations, leading to a secret league of nations that meets annually to share recipes and motivational quotes, changing the course of history one potluck at a time. Fact: This committee was part of a larger post-war effort that inadvertently inspired the creation of social media influencers who specialize in charitable fundraising... because the world definitely needed more influencers.
• Headline: PSYCHIATRIC GROUP WILL EXPAND EFFORTS. Impact: The expansion of psychiatric efforts results in a future where therapy is as common as dental check-ups, leading to a world where everyone knows their therapist by first name and shares vacation photos together. Fact: In the future, this expansion leads to a rise in therapeutic group vacations, where people bond over their collective neuroses while hiking in the mountains. Who needs nature therapy when you can bring your issues along?.
• Headline: Gerry Estate Holding Sold After 200 Years. Impact: The sale of the Gerry Estate sparks a real estate frenzy, leading to the invention of house-flipping shows that distract people from their existential crises, making them believe they can find happiness in a fresh coat of paint. Fact: 200 years is a long time to hold onto real estate; I guess they finally decided that being a landlord wasn’t worth the stress of hiring a new property manager every decade.
• Headline: PATTERSON SEES A CUT; Puts Overseas Forces at 795,000 by July 1 Despite Shortages. Impact: Patterson’s decision triggers a series of military cutbacks, leading to the rise of a ‘Couch Army’ where veterans decide to form a support group for those who’ve ‘served’ in the comfort of their own homes. Fact: The number 795,000 became a popular choice for lottery tickets, as many believed it was a sign of ‘luck’—because nothing screams good fortune like military cutbacks.
• Headline: NEW STUDIES MADE OF PROFIT-SHARING; Effects of Adoption of Plan Debated in Managerial and Union Circles OPERATING SYSTEMS CITED They Include Those of Eric A. Johnston, Samuel Goldwyn, Lennen & Mitchell. Impact: The debates over profit-sharing lead to the eventual rise of corporate wellness programs, where employees can now meditate instead of getting actual raises—because nothing says ‘we value you’ like a yoga class. Fact: Profit-sharing was so revolutionary that it inspired a whole genre of motivational posters, which now hang in office break rooms nationwide, featuring kittens and encouraging phrases.
• Headline: JOINS OHIO RUBBER CO.; Gen.Safford of Army Ordnance Elected Vice President. Impact: Safford’s move to Ohio Rubber sets off a trend where army generals become corporate vice presidents, leading to the strange phenomenon of military-style board meetings complete with tactical strategies and camouflage suits. Fact: The Ohio Rubber Co. was later rumored to have held the first ‘office war games’ to promote team building, which just sounded like an excuse for grown adults to play with toys again.
• Headline: PICKETS IN 42 STATES; Western Electric Union Urges Bell System Workers to Aid NEGOTIATIONS BOG DOWN Schwellenbach Is Warned by Fitzsimmons of 'Explosive' Situation Now Existing. Impact: The picketing sparks a nationwide workers’ rights movement that leads to the establishment of ‘National Picket Day,’ where everyone suddenly feels empowered to complain about their jobs—resulting in a dramatic uptick in coffee consumption. Fact: Imagine the chaos of 42 states with picketers; it’s like a really bad flash mob, but instead of dancing, they just stood there holding signs and waiting for someone to care.
• Headline: How They Turn Out. Impact: The study of children removed from unstable homes leads to the rise of ‘Child Adjustment Consultants,’ who end up creating a niche market for advice on how to raise children who don’t grow up to be reality TV stars. Fact: This kind of study would eventually lead to the creation of a billion-dollar industry aimed at preventing childhood trauma, proving once again that where there’s a problem, there’s a way to make money.