DECEMBER 30, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Death of George A. Glass. Impact: The sudden absence of Glass caused a panic in the structural integrity of buildings everywhere, leading to the first-ever 'What Would George Do?' movement among construction workers, which somehow ended in a national obsession with glass houses. Fact: George A. Glass is now a popular name for fictional characters in sitcoms, often used to depict the 'perfect' but ultimately absent leader.
• Headline: Show Boat: A Tale of Two Productions. Impact: This debate over the 'Show Boat' led to a worldwide theatrical showdown, inspiring every future musical to include a 'reimagined' version, ultimately resulting in a decade-long phase of musicals about musicals. Fact: The term 'blessing in disguise' is now frequently used to describe bad movie remakes that somehow make a ton of money.
• Headline: RECORD SUM RAISED FOR NEEDIEST CASES; $347,946 Contributed to Date to Top Mark of $345,790 Established in 1930 11,699 DONORS SEND GIFTS Many Brush Aside Illnesses to Aid the Fund's Fight for City's Downtrodden. Impact: This philanthropic frenzy sparked a national trend where people started donating just to one-up their neighbors, laying the groundwork for the modern-day 'keeping up with the Joneses' but with charitable giving. Fact: In a shocking twist, it was discovered that many of the donors were actually just trying to impress their exes.
• Headline: WHIRL WIND FINISH KEEPS MAYOR BUSY; The Mayor Was a Busy Man Yesterday as His Twelve Years in Office Neared an End. Impact: The mayor's frantic last-minute activities inspired future politicians to adopt similarly chaotic schedules, resulting in the birth of the phrase 'political whirlwind' that every campaign manager now uses as an excuse for last-minute decisions. Fact: Interestingly, the phrase 'busy as a politician' is not an idiom but a simple observation of how little actual work gets done.
• Headline: DeVoto Gets Legion of Merit. Impact: DeVoto's award led to a domino effect of award ceremonies, prompting the rise of countless meaningless accolades, such as 'Best Coffee Maker' and 'Most Likely to Use Their Award for a Tinder Profile Picture.'. Fact: The Legion of Merit was originally designed for military officers, but it has since expanded to include anyone who can spell 'merit' correctly.
• Headline: REHABILITATION; Too Rapid Demobilization Is Often Harmful to Service Men--Officers' Discharge Plan Suggested as Remedy. Impact: This insight sparked a revolutionary approach to military discharge, eventually leading to the establishment of the 'Military Transition Program,' which, ironically, now also includes a session on how to write a resume without sounding like a superhero. Fact: The phrase 'too much too soon' was actually coined by a soldier trying to explain his post-war dating life.
• Headline: DR. HENRY N. TORREY, DETROIT LEADER, DIES. Impact: Torrey's passing left a gaping hole in Detroit leadership, which many believe led to the rise of the phrase 'What would Torrey do?' among confused citizens trying to navigate local governance. Fact: Dr. Torrey was so influential that his absence was felt even in the local diner, where they retired his favorite sandwich from the menu in mourning.
• Headline: PLANT IN BROOKLYN SOLD BY THE TIMES; Eagle Purchases Building at 3d Ave. and Pacific St.--To Move In at End of 1946. Impact: This sale set off a chain reaction in the newspaper industry, leading to the rise of 'paperless' offices, although ironically, this only resulted in more paper being used for nostalgia's sake. Fact: This sale became the talk of the town, with local residents wondering if the Eagles would bring their mascot to the office—spoiler alert: they did, and it was an absolute mess.
• Headline: DREISER RITES THURSDAY; Noted Novelist Will Be Buried in Glendale, Calif., Cemetery. Impact: Dreiser's funeral led to a renewed interest in literature that would last for decades, inspiring countless wannabe writers to pen their 'deep thoughts' and subsequently fill the world with mediocre poetry. Fact: Dreiser's passing was so impactful that it prompted a local bookstore to sell 'How to Write Like Dreiser' guides, which were ironically filled with blank pages.