DECEMBER 7, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: F.H. Bullen Appointed Executive Secretary. Impact: If F.H. Bullen hadn't gotten that post, who knows? Maybe a butterfly in the Amazon would have flapped its wings differently, and we’d be living in a world where pigeons are the leading form of government. Fact: It's ironic that being named executive secretary sounds impressive, but in reality, he probably just had to schedule a lot of meetings nobody wanted to attend.
• Headline: Remembering William H. Jenkins Sr.. Impact: William H. Jenkins Sr. passing might have caused a ripple effect in the insurance industry, leading to overly cautious insurance policies that required covering everything from alien abductions to spontaneous human combustion. Fact: At 67, Jenkins was just shy of being the oldest person in history to realize that most insurance policies are like a diet: a lot of rules but no real results.
• Headline: New York City Honors Somervell. Impact: Honoring Somervell may have inspired a future generation to create awards for utterly mundane achievements, thus leading to a world where people are celebrated for simply showing up to work. Fact: Nothing says 'we appreciate you' like a certificate that will collect dust on your wall while you continue to wonder if it was all worth it.
• Headline: Otis Becomes Fund Chairman. Impact: Otis becoming the fund chairman could have resulted in a timeline where chairs became the most powerful figures in society, leading to the rise of 'Chairism' as a political movement. Fact: Being a fund chairman is just like being a kid in a candy store, except instead of candy, you get to play with other people's money.
• Headline: DEBUTANTES TO AID SANATORIUM BENEFIT. Impact: The debutantes aiding the sanatorium could have sparked a fashion trend where everyone started wearing gowns to hospital visits, leading to a bizarre new etiquette of health care. Fact: Because nothing says 'I care about your health' like a ball gown and a tiara. What a way to make a statement!.
• Headline: Marisa Regules Recital Put Off. Impact: The postponement of Marisa Regules' recital could have led to a butterfly effect where all future musicians began to fear the word 'recital,' causing an entire generation to pursue careers in accounting instead. Fact: When a recital gets postponed, it's just a fancy way of saying, 'No one is ready to witness my musical genius today.'.
• Headline: Navy to Take Over Struck Repair Basin; Irked by 39-Day Strike of Coast Machinists. Impact: The Navy's takeover might have set off a chain reaction where all future labor disputes were resolved by military intervention, leading to a bizarre world where disputes ended with marching bands instead of negotiations. Fact: When the Navy takes over, it’s like your parents stepping in during a sibling fight – it rarely ends well and usually involves someone getting grounded.
• Headline: LOAN PACT DRAWS FIRE IN COMMONS; Attlee's Critics Assail Gold Standard Adherence--World Trade Pattern Defended Attitude of the Government Steps for Trade Policy Aims. Impact: This criticism of the gold standard might have paved the way for future monetary policies filled with jargon that would confuse even the best economists, resulting in an entire generation of people pretending to understand finance. Fact: Criticizing a government policy is like playing chess with a pigeon – no matter how smart you are, it’s just going to knock over the pieces and strut around like it won.