DECEMBER 5, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Colonel Marsh Takes Command at CCNY ROTC. Impact: Colonel Marsh's leadership style inadvertently inspires a future generation of ROTC cadets, who then form a secret society to overthrow the very idea of mandatory military training, leading to a national debate on the merits of compulsory yoga classes instead.. Fact: Colonel Marsh once tried to teach cadets using only interpretive dance. Spoiler: it didn't go well..
• Headline: Bar Unit Fights Against Unjust Convictions. Impact: The Bar Association's bold move leads to an unexpected trend where people start questioning all previous convictions, resulting in a nationwide game show called 'Who Got it Wrong?' that becomes a prime-time hit.. Fact: The first unjust conviction was actually for a missing sandwich. To this day, nobody knows who took it!.
• Headline: WOULD FREE NEWSPRINT; Industry Group Suggests Distribution Plan Instead of Control. Impact: This suggestion sets off a paper shortage that results in people crafting their own newspapers, leading to the first-ever underground press where mundane news is shared via interpretive mime.. Fact: The term 'newsprint' originated from the fact that it was often printed while the news was still being developed—much like the maturity of a teenager..
• Headline: CZECHS WOULD LET UNO WEIGH TESCHEN; Masaryk in London Says Prague Won't Discuss It With Poles --German Ouster to Go On. Impact: This refusal creates a diplomatic stalemate that inadvertently leads to the world's first international game of chess played by diplomats, forever changing how treaties are negotiated.. Fact: Masaryk was known for his love of chess, which might explain why he was always several moves ahead—literally and figuratively..
• Headline: Army Reveals Use of 'Ghost Army' in War; Pneumatic Decoys Misled Foe, Won Battles. Impact: The invention of the 'Ghost Army' leads to a resurgence in inflatable decor, turning birthday parties into a battlefield of creativity, where children everywhere wage wars of whimsy.. Fact: The 'Ghost Army' was so effective, the enemy once surrendered after mistaking an inflatable tank for a party float..
• Headline: Dineen Heads Commissioners. Impact: Dineen's appointment leads to a bizarre spike in insurance claims for 'mysterious incidents,' such as spontaneous spontaneous combustion of paperwork, inspiring a new genre of insurance horror stories.. Fact: Dineen's first act as head commissioner was to propose a new insurance policy for bad puns. It was deemed 'too risky.'.
• Headline: BIAS MEASURE DISCUSSED; Federal FEPC Premature Now, Speaker Tells Session. Impact: The discussion sparks a nationwide trend of discussing everything but bias, leading to the rise of a cult of small talk enthusiasts who meet weekly to practice their skills in awkward social situations.. Fact: The first rule of small talk is to never mention politics or religion—unless you want to watch the room empty faster than a sale at a shoe store..