NOVEMBER 9, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Laundries Clash Over Union Pay Demands. Impact: The laundries' protest sparked a global movement where all small businesses began to blame unions for everything. By 2050, it was believed that unions were responsible for the rain.. Fact: When businesses claim they can't afford something, they usually mean they can't afford to not buy that third yacht..
• Headline: OIL WORKERS TO STRIKE; 125 at Local Tide Water Plants to Go Out Here Today. Impact: The oil workers' strike would eventually lead to a national obsession with pay raises, culminating in the infamous 'Pay Raise Olympics' of 2028. Spoiler: No one won.. Fact: Striking for a pay rise is like asking for extra cheese on your pizza—someone's getting a little too indulgent..
• Headline: ALBERT LEE; Theatre Manager and Former Vaudeville Actor Dies at 53. Impact: Albert Lee's death caused an unexpected resurgence in vaudeville appreciation, leading to an annual festival where people awkwardly try to perform slapstick comedy in 21st-century New York.. Fact: The classic vaudeville act of slipping on a banana peel remains an underrated hazard in the modern world..
• Headline: TATAR DICTIONARY COMPILED IN CHINA; Obscure Philologist Classifies Words of His Language With Chinese and English TO PURSUE STUDIES HERE Abdulfus Musah Will Publish Volumes and Seek Similarities With Indian Dialects. Impact: The compilation of the Tatar dictionary resulted in a bizarre cross-cultural phenomenon where Tatar words became trendy in hipster coffee shops across the globe.. Fact: Philologists are basically the hipsters of linguistics; they’ll argue over the authenticity of a word while sipping on their artisanal chai lattes..
• Headline: Western Union Maps Radio Relay. Impact: Western Union's radio relay project led to the eventual creation of 'telecommunications'—a fancy term that means we can now ignore each other more efficiently.. Fact: Microwave radio relay stations: the precursor to every awkward phone call you’ve ever ignored..
• Headline: Threatens to Shut Buffalo Port. Impact: The tug firemen's union's threats would eventually lead to the creation of the Buffalo Port Olympics, where tugboats competed for the title of 'Most Dramatic Docking.'. Fact: The art of threatening to shut down a port is really just a sophisticated power play in the game of tug-of-war..
• Headline: World Trade Body to Fight Cartels If We Advance Loan, British Agree; World Trade Body to Fight Cartels If We Advance Loan, British Agree. Impact: The world trade body’s discussions set off a chain reaction of negotiations that led to the creation of the 'Global Bureaucracy Olympics,' where countries compete in endless meetings.. Fact: Fighting cartels has become the adult version of playing cops and robbers—except the cops are really just negotiating for better coffee breaks..
• Headline: LOAN COMPANIES WIN COURT RULING; Writs for Records Sought in Mayor's Inquiry Quashed as 'Search and Seizure'. Impact: The court ruling about loan companies inadvertently led to an entire generation of New Yorkers who thought 'search and seizure' referred to their favorite bagel shop’s new security measures.. Fact: Nothing says justice like a court ruling that feels like a huge loophole for rich people to continue being rich..