OCTOBER 3, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Connop Guthrie: A Legacy in War Shipping. Impact: Guthrie's death sent shockwaves through the shipping industry, leading to a sudden shortage of baronets who could actually handle paperwork. This may have indirectly resulted in the rise of online shopping, as people decided they’d rather click 'buy' than deal with a baronet. Fact: Did you know that being a baronet is like being knighted, but with less armor and more paperwork? It’s the perfect blend of nobility and bureaucracy.
• Headline: Lawrence F. Flick Jr. Passes Away. Impact: Flick Jr.'s departure from the newsroom led to an unexpected surge in typos and sensational headlines, forever altering the landscape of tabloid journalism. Who knew a single editor could hold back the tide of nonsense?. Fact: Fun fact: Flick's name sounds like a superhero who fights crime with the power of editing. Too bad his superpower was only good for making sure commas were in the right place.
• Headline: John Ward Dunsmore's Revolutionary Art. Impact: Dunsmore's paintings inspired a generation of history buffs to take up paintbrushes, ultimately resulting in a series of cringe-worthy art pieces that tried to depict the revolution using stick figures. Fact: Did you know that painting the American Revolution is a bit like trying to retell a really long and complicated joke? You can never quite capture the essence without making it weird.
• Headline: SPECULATORS HIT IN CHINESE CRASH; Hoarders Suffer From Price Decline of 50%--Chungking Has Budget Problems. Impact: The crash sent ripples through the global economy, making hoarding the new 'in' thing—because who wouldn’t want to stockpile toilet paper and canned beans in the face of uncertainty?. Fact: Did you know that speculating on the market is like gambling, but with more spreadsheets and fewer slot machines? At least at the slots, you get a free drink while losing your money.
• Headline: Abroad; Council Split on Principles Not Procedures. Impact: The split over principles vs. procedures led to a never-ending cycle of indecision that eventually spawned reality television, proving that people will watch anything as long as it involves drama. Fact: Did you know that the only thing less productive than a council split is a council meeting? They should just save everyone time and have a group chat instead.
• Headline: ALPHONSE JONGERS; Portrait Painter Dies at 73 in Montreal--Works Shown Here. Impact: Jongers’ passing left a void in the art community that was quickly filled by a wave of selfie-takers, ensuring that future generations would have a much more narcissistic view of art. Fact: Did you know that portrait painters like Jongers had to deal with real people sitting still for hours? Today, we just have to deal with people taking 300 selfies to get one that’s halfway decent.
• Headline: Elected by Pocket Books. Impact: The election of Pocket Books VP marked the beginning of a publishing empire that would eventually lead to the rise of e-books, meaning that actual books would gather dust while people read on their glowing screens. Fact: Did you know that being elected by a publishing company sounds fancier than it really is? It's kind of like being elected prom king by the kids who never showed up to class.
• Headline: JAPAN'S AIR CHIEFS ADMIT THEY FAILED; Point to Our Fire Attacks and Their Lack of Fuel and Pilots as Decisive.. Impact: The admission of failure among Japan's air chiefs led to a historical pivot that changed military strategies worldwide, resulting in the creation of more accurate fuel gauges and pilot training programs—because learning from your mistakes is a thing. Fact: Did you know that admitting failure is the first step towards improvement? It’s a lesson best learned before embarrassing yourself in front of an entire nation.
• Headline: Charles R. Jones Quits Republic. Impact: Jones' resignation sent shockwaves through the film industry, eventually leading to the rise of streaming services where everyone could quit and binge-watch instead. Who needs a job when you have a never-ending supply of cat videos?. Fact: Did you know that quitting a position in the film industry is like breaking up with a high-maintenance partner? You know it’s for the best, but there’s still that nagging feeling of regret every time you see a blockbuster.
• Headline: CHARLES P. PRESSLY; Rites for Former Diplomat Held in Cedar Springs, S.C.. Impact: Pressly's death reminded diplomats everywhere that their time in power is as fleeting as a Snapchat story, inspiring future diplomats to take their selfies more seriously while in office. Fact: Did you know that being a diplomat is just like being a professional negotiator, but with more awkward small talk and fewer snacks?.