JULY 19, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jaffee Discharged from Coast Guard. Impact: Jaffee's departure from the Coast Guard led to a series of unfortunate events where he accidentally became a motivational speaker for the 'Stay Out of the Water' campaign. This inspired an entire generation of landlocked citizens.. Fact: Jaffee later went on to win a hot dog eating contest, proving that one can find glory outside the military..
• Headline: Denies Candidacy in Mexico. Impact: General Vazquez denying his own candidacy led to a bizarre series of events where people started taking politicians at their word—resulting in a political landscape that was more about honesty and less about, well, whatever it is we have now.. Fact: Vazquez's denial was so convincing that it inspired a new genre of political thrillers where candidates keep accidentally denying their own campaigns..
• Headline: Taft Proposal Vote. Impact: Senator Taft's motion to postpone the Bretton Woods bill created a delay that eventually led to the invention of procrastination as a recognized art form, leading to future generations perfecting the art of doing absolutely nothing.. Fact: Senator Taft's full name is actually William Howard Taft II—because why not keep the confusion alive?.
• Headline: Hoover Urges Ratifying Charter, Congress Retaining War Powers; HOOVER URGES VOTE TO RATIFY CHARTER Forum for World Opinion. Impact: Hoover's urging for the ratification of the UN Charter was a pivotal moment that allowed future politicians to boldly claim they were 'defending democracy' while secretly enjoying their sixth vacation of the year.. Fact: Herbert Hoover's name is synonymous with 'failure' in some circles, but he would have made a great motivational speaker—'If I can fail, so can you!'.
• Headline: Braves Get WPB Permit To Build Lighting System. Impact: The Braves obtaining a permit for a lighting system was the moment baseball discovered night games, which then led to the great American pastime of 'cursing the umpire' happening at all hours. Future generations would thank them with a hearty 'I can't see anything!'. Fact: The lights were so bright that they accidentally attracted a flock of confused moths, who became the original mascots for the team before they settled on the more traditional 'Braves.'.
• Headline: MISS DIETRICH TELLS OF LONG USO TOUR. Impact: Miss Dietrich's long USO tour inadvertently set the stage for the rise of modern-day influencers. Her ability to charm and entertain led to a world where everyone now feels the need to document their lives on social media, if only to get a like on their dinner photos.. Fact: Dietrich once claimed she could sing any song in multiple languages, which is why karaoke bars have a strict 'no German opera' policy to this day..
• Headline: Draft of Fathers Halted in the City. Impact: Col McDermott's order to halt the induction of fathers in NYC was a watershed moment for family dinners everywhere, leading to the eventual rise of the 'dad joke' as we know it today, and a collective groan from children across the nation.. Fact: McDermott later penned a self-help book titled 'Fatherhood: Why You Shouldn't Panic,' which was surprisingly well-received by new dads everywhere..