JULY 3, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gruebel Appointed to Lead Drug Division. Impact: F.G. Gruebel's appointment as head of the drug division sparked a series of events leading to the invention of mood-enhancing gummy bears by 2030, which ultimately resulted in the first gummy bear-themed space missions.. Fact: In a world full of drug divisions, one man’s appointment can lead to an entire universe of gummy bear-happy astronauts. The more you know!.
• Headline: JERSEY COURT ORDER ENDS RAIL TAX SUITS. Impact: The end of rail tax suits in Jersey paved the way for the rise of the 'No-Tax Zone' movement, where citizens demanded tax-free living in exchange for never using public transport again. By 2025, no one knew how to ride a train.. Fact: The only thing more complicated than rail tax suits is the average commuter's understanding of how to get to work without a tax break..
• Headline: Exchange Seat Price Drops. Impact: The drop in exchange seat prices led to a wild game where investors started hoarding seats like they were rare Pokémon cards. This eventually culminated in a reality show called 'Hoarders: The Financial Edition'.. Fact: Wouldn't it be fun if seat prices dropped as quickly as people's interest in reality TV? Oh wait, they already do!.
• Headline: ANTI-BIAS OFFICES OPENED BY STATE; Commission Is Set Up Here in Temporary Quarters--Others in Albany, Buffalo Two Other Offices Opened Hiring Field Investigators. Impact: The establishment of anti-bias offices turned out to be the first step towards a future where biases were banned from being discussed at dinner parties, leading to a global shortage of interesting conversations.. Fact: In a world where biases are banned, small talk truly becomes as bland as the food served at those awkward gatherings..
• Headline: JUDGE BLAMES ARMY FOR FREEING KILLER. Impact: The judge's blame on the army for freeing a killer raised questions about military policies, leading to the eventual creation of a new superhero: Captain Accountability. He still hasn't made it to the big screen.. Fact: Judges blaming the army for anything is like blaming the dog for eating your homework. It might be true, but it doesn't help anyone..
• Headline: BIG OIL DEAL PENDING; New York Group Seen Purchasing Large Pennsylvania Acreage. Impact: The big oil deal in Pennsylvania sparked a rush for oil exploration that inadvertently led to a massive increase in the number of DIY home drilling kits. By 2030, every backyard became a mini oil rig, resulting in more family disputes than ever.. Fact: With backyard oil rigs becoming a thing, it's only a matter of time before we see reality shows where families compete for the biggest oil spill..
• Headline: Quits as Head of House Body On Un-American Activities. Impact: The resignation from the House body on Un-American Activities opened up new opportunities for underqualified individuals to run for office, ultimately leading to the rise of a reality star president by 2040.. Fact: Resigning from investigating un-American activities might just be the most American thing someone can do. 'Who cares about politics, let's focus on reality TV!'.