JUNE 29, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hans Jurgensen: Influential Congressional Aide. Impact: If only Hans had been given a better coffee machine in Congress, perhaps the entire legislative process would have been less convoluted. Instead, his caffeine-deprived colleagues continued to bicker over trivialities for decades. Fact: Did you know that coffee consumption by congressional aides is directly proportional to the number of pointless debates? Coincidence? I think not!.
• Headline: Wallace Receives Willkie Memorial Award. Impact: Wallace's win sparked a movement that connected African art with Western academia, leading to the creation of the world's first art exhibit that featured both traditional masks and interpretive dance by confused grad students. Fact: This award is basically a time capsule of how many people can fit into a room to argue about art without actually creating any.
• Headline: SENATOR FOR SPEED; New Set-Up Cannot Live Without Us, and World Is Watching, He Says HE CHAMPIONS VETO RIGHT Texan Espouses Full Faith in Peace Organization, Calls Our Own Rights Safe. Impact: Senator Connally's insistence on speed led to a series of hurried legislative processes that ultimately resulted in the establishment of 'National Procrastination Day'—a holiday dedicated to doing absolutely nothing. Fact: In the world of politics, 'speed' often translates to 'let's pause for a photo op first.'.
• Headline: DELAY IS PREDICTED IN CIVILIAN GOODS; Shortage of Sheet Steel Basic in Durable Consumer Items as Stressed at WPB. Impact: This steel shortage prompted a nationwide DIY trend, inadvertently turning millions of Americans into amateur carpenters, leading to a rise in home improvement injuries—thank you, WPB!. Fact: Sheet steel: the unsung hero of furniture that remains forever in the realm of 'not quite ready to assemble.'.
• Headline: OPA Extension for Year Approved by Senate, 40-8; SENATE APPROVES EXTENSION OF OPA. Impact: The approval of the OPA extension meant that citizens continued to experience price controls, which ironically led to an underground market for overpriced avocados—a trend that still haunts us today. Fact: The Senate's approval rating? About as riveting as watching paint dry on a government building.
• Headline: School Gives $1,754 for Relief. Impact: This small donation sparked a chain reaction that encouraged other schools to contribute, eventually leading to the establishment of the 'Penny Wars,' a competitive yet heartwarming way for schools to fundraise while simultaneously teaching kids about capitalism. Fact: School fundraising: the only time kids learn math while avoiding their homework.
• Headline: FUNERAL OF ERNO RAPEE; 500 Attend Service for Maestro of Radio City Music Hall. Impact: Erno Rapee's funeral was attended by so many that it became a cultural touchstone, marking the beginning of 'celebrity funerals' as a must-attend social event, paving the way for the age of influencers even in death. Fact: Funerals: the original influencer meet-and-greet, just with fewer selfies and more eulogies.
• Headline: Nazis' Scientists Planned Sun 'Gun' 5,100 Miles Up; NAZIS' SCIENTISTS PLANNED SUN 'GUN'. Impact: The concept of a 'Sun Gun' led to a bizarre chain of events in science fiction literature, inspiring countless novels and movies about mad scientists, ultimately resulting in the birth of the superhero genre, as someone had to stop these lunatics!. Fact: If you thought your ideas were outlandish, just remember there were people trying to weaponize the sun. Talk about a hot mess!.
• Headline: PLINY W. WILLIAMSON WEDS IN SCARSDALE. Impact: Pliny's wedding in Scarsdale became a symbol of marital bliss, inspiring couples everywhere to believe that a fancy venue and a cake would lead to everlasting happiness—spoiler alert: it didn't. Fact: Weddings: the only time people willingly spend thousands to celebrate the idea that they might not have to share their Netflix password anymore.