JUNE 17, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Truman Awards Medal of Merit Posthumously. Impact: The posthumous medal to Forster inspired a whole generation of lazy underachievers who thought, ‘Hey, if I wait long enough, I might get a medal too!’ This led to an explosion of procrastination and a significant decline in productivity across multiple industries. Thanks, Truman!. Fact: Did you know that giving medals posthumously is basically the ultimate ‘better late than never’ sentiment? It’s like saying, ‘Sorry you didn’t get the recognition while you were alive, but here’s a shiny trinket to make up for it!’.
• Headline: New Comet Discovered in Cetus. Impact: The discovery of the new comet in Cetus sparked a series of overly ambitious space exploration plans that ultimately resulted in humanity sending a potato to Mars in an attempt to colonize. Turns out, it’s a lot harder to grow potatoes in space than in your backyard.. Fact: Did you know that comets are essentially cosmic icebergs? They’re just out there chilling in space, waiting for someone to notice them and freak out like it's the end of the world!.
• Headline: Other Novels on the Current Lists. Impact: The release of new novels led to a rash of book clubs forming worldwide, which ultimately devolved into competitive wine tasting events disguised as literary discussions. Who knew that 'War and Peace' could pair so well with a Cabernet?. Fact: Did you know that most book clubs spend more time discussing snacks than the actual book? Priorities, people!.
• Headline: COLLEGIANS TO PICK BEANS; 100 New York Women to Aid Gathering Up-State Crop. Impact: The involvement of 100 college women in bean picking led to a surge in agricultural degrees, creating a generation of highly educated farmers who now insist on calling themselves 'agricultural engineers' while still wearing overalls.. Fact: Did you know that bean picking is a great way to meet new friends? Just don’t expect them to stick around after the harvest—those beans can be a real conversation killer!.
• Headline: Representative American Art. Impact: Pagano's editing of contemporary American painting allegedly inspired a secret society of hipsters who believed they could create art by just staring at blank canvases. This movement led to a rise in overpriced gallery openings featuring nothing but the color white.. Fact: Did you know that contemporary art is so subjective, it’s basically a ‘you had to be there’ situation? Just pretend to understand it and you’ll blend right in!.
• Headline: 8 POLISH CHILDREN REPORTED STOLEN; French Accuse Agents of Exile Regime of Kidnapping Refugees in Paris. Impact: The abduction of Polish children sparked a wave of international outrage, leading to the formation of numerous NGOs. Ironically, this would later inspire a series of poorly written films that misrepresented the real stories of those involved.. Fact: Did you know that during times of crisis, the world often kicks into high gear to save children? It’s almost as if they realize that kids are the future. Who would’ve thought?.
• Headline: Argentine Business Opens War on Peron Labor Policy; 321 Organizations Assail the Government-- Vice President Says Opponents 'Are Trying to Rob the Workers'. Impact: The Argentine business backlash against Peron’s labor policy led to a series of increasingly ridiculous labor movements, including a union entirely dedicated to advocating for more coffee breaks. Productivity plummeted, but morale soared!. Fact: Did you know that labor disputes often resemble family arguments? Lots of yelling, throwing things, and no one really knowing what they're fighting about!.
• Headline: ABROAD; On Poland's Future. Impact: The discussions about Poland's future led to a never-ending series of 'what if' scenarios that made historians collectively groan. This ultimately resulted in a new genre of speculative fiction where Poland becomes a utopian paradise—spoiler: it doesn't end well.. Fact: Did you know that the future of any country is just a series of really good or really bad decisions? It’s like playing a game of chess, but with world leaders who can’t remember the rules!.
• Headline: HOUSING IS ACUTE IN WASHINGTON; War Clearing Center Reports Applications for Dwellings Run to 325 a Day. Impact: The acute housing crisis in Washington led to the invention of tiny homes, which became a trend that confused millennials into believing they could live comfortably in 200 square feet. Spoiler alert: they couldn’t.. Fact: Did you know that the housing market is basically a game of musical chairs? Except when the music stops, everyone just ends up in a tent!.