MAY 8, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Indictment of Policemen in Queens Beating. Impact: Had those policemen not been indicted, we might have seen the rise of a new superhero: Captain Queens, the vigilante who fought back against police brutality but only in a very specific borough.. Fact: Did you know that beating suspects is a surefire way to get a one-way ticket to a trial? Just a thought!.
• Headline: Rep. Andrews Reveals Army Discharge Plans. Impact: If Rep. Andrews had kept his mouth shut, we might have avoided a massive troop shuffle, leading to a peaceful timeline where everyone just stayed home and played bingo instead of war games.. Fact: Fun fact: Military planning is often more about keeping secrets than actually planning. Who knew?.
• Headline: La Guardia's Victory Shakes Politics. Impact: La Guardia's stand could have led to a dramatic shift in the political landscape, resulting in a world where 'fusion' meant a new dance craze instead of a political movement.. Fact: Thanksgiving prayers can only get you so far; sometimes you need a good old-fashioned political maneuver to actually get things done!.
• Headline: JAPANESE LEADER CHECKS OFF REICH; Minami Says Japan Never Had 'Slightest Intention' of Relying on Power of GermanyTOKYO SEES ALLIES SPLIT Radio Asserts U.S. and Britain Will Keep Troops in Europe to Curb Russians. Impact: If Japan had actually relied on Germany, we might have had a very different Axis of Evil, possibly involving a lot more sushi and schnitzels.. Fact: Saying you had no intention of relying on someone is like saying you weren't really using that secret ingredient – we all know you were!.
• Headline: U.S. Awards for Valor. Impact: The valor awards could have sparked a new trend where everyone starts trying to outdo each other in bravery, leading to an epidemic of overly dramatic rescues and inflated egos.. Fact: People fighting in the air often have to remind themselves that gravity is still a thing, even in war!.
• Headline: Auctioneer to Be Queried. Impact: If the auctioneer had just said 'no comment,' we might have avoided an entire episode of 'Antiques Roadshow: The Scandal Edition'.. Fact: Auctioneering is the only profession where talking fast can actually get you into trouble. Go figure!.
• Headline: SPAIN STILL CURBED IN 'BILL OF RIGHTS'. Impact: The delayed Bill of Rights in Spain could have sparked a revolution of patience, or at least a new 'waiting in line' sport.. Fact: You know you’re in trouble when even a Bill of Rights is ‘curbed’. Sounds like a government that’s really good at red tape..
• Headline: ANTHRACITE MINES REMAIN STRIKE-BOUND. Impact: The strike-bound anthracite mines might have led to a coal shortage that inspired a new generation of eco-friendly energy sources decades earlier. Or just a lot of very cold people.. Fact: Strikes are the only time when workers can legally stop working and still get paid in sympathy!.
• Headline: SEES NO EASING ON MEAT; Institute Says That V-E Day Will Not Lessen Army Demands. Impact: If the meat institute had been wrong about V-E Day, we might have seen a bizarre meat shortage that triggered the Great Tofu Crisis of '45.. Fact: When the military demands more meat, civilians often wonder if they're being sent on a covert mission to the nearest steakhouse!.