MAY 3, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: City Leaders Decide Mayoral Candidate. Impact: This meeting led to the eventual rise of the least popular mayor in city history, who, in a twist of fate, accidentally invented the modern-day paperclip after a sleepless night pondering how to keep his campaign promises.. Fact: The only thing less interesting than city party conferences is watching paint dry. Seriously..
• Headline: Surge in Battery Shipments Noted. Impact: The increase in battery shipments sparked a global obsession with portable devices, ultimately leading to a future where people can't even enjoy a moment of solitude without scrolling through their phones.. Fact: In a world where batteries are essential, the real tragedy is that no one ever thought to charge their social skills..
• Headline: Copenhagen Certain Foe Must Go, But Nazis Deny Norse, Danish Exit; DANES CONFIDENT OFFOE'S DEPARTURE Foe Denies Evacuation Plan Quisling Quits, Stays On. Impact: This political drama not only showcased the complexity of wartime alliances but also set the stage for a future where everyone became an armchair historian, analyzing Quisling's questionable decisions over brunch.. Fact: Quisling's name has become synonymous with betrayal. But let's be honest, it was a pretty stellar way to ruin a party..
• Headline: U-BOAT SINKS U.S. SHIP; The Dan Beard Torpedoed on the Way From Britain. Impact: The sinking of the Dan Beard became a rallying cry for American naval forces, ultimately leading to the adoption of stricter naval protocols and the birth of countless action film plots involving revenge on U-boats.. Fact: This incident oddly enough inspired a popular line of beard grooming products. Dan Beard himself would have loved it..
• Headline: Books of the Times; Moment Never More Propitious Speaks in Jeremiad Terms. Impact: This literary moment sparked a wave of existential crises in readers, leading to the creation of countless self-help books that promised to solve all of life’s problems—spoiler alert: they didn't.. Fact: People have been crying over books for centuries, but at least now they have a better excuse than just being overly emotional..
• Headline: SUBMARINES SINK 1,119 IN THE PACIFIC; U.S. Craft Destroy 21 More Ships--Lockwood Says Figure Is Conservative Many Probably Sunk Germans Never Keep Lead. Impact: The sheer number of sunken ships led to an entire generation of sailors who believed that if they weren't careful, they too might end up as part of the ocean's collection of lost vessels.. Fact: Submarine warfare was so effective that it practically made 'U-boat' the go-to term for any underwater misfortune—like losing your favorite pair of sunglasses in the pool..
• Headline: DEWEY PLEA OPENS FUND DRIVE HERE; Need Great, He Says, Voicing Hope for Better World After War Ends LOAD WILL NOT LIGHTEN Mayor and Ballantine Among Others Who Join in the Appeal at Dinner Load Will Not Diminish Ballantine Presiding Official. Impact: Dewey's plea led to a series of fundraising events that ultimately became a template for future charity galas, where rich people can eat fancy food while poor people still need help.. Fact: Fundraising dinners: where the only thing heavier than the meal is the guilt of not donating enough..
• Headline: BIG THREE WRESTLE AGAIN OVER POLAND; Russian Arguments Persist but Hope Remains--Changes in Dumbarton Plan Weighed BIG THREE WRESTLE AGAIN OVER POLAND Issue Raised by French Argentine Factor Up Again The Yalta Words Involved Voting Procedure to Fore Conference Office an Issue. Impact: The never-ending discussions over Poland laid the groundwork for decades of international diplomacy that ultimately led to more meetings about meetings—because who doesn't love a good round of bureaucratic wrestling?. Fact: The Big Three could have probably settled their differences over a friendly game of Monopoly if they’d just gotten together a bit sooner..
• Headline: Seeks to Halt Pennroad Fees. Impact: The attempt to halt these fees led to a series of legal battles that eventually birthed the modern-day practice of lawyers charging hourly rates for their 'expert' opinions on absurd matters.. Fact: Legal fees: the only thing more inflated than the egos of those who charge them..