APRIL 26, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: US Troops Disappointed by Danube River. Impact: If only the GI's had known the Danube would become a tourist hotspot for Instagram influencers later, perhaps they would've appreciated its murky waters a bit more. Imagine the #NotSoBlueDanube trending alongside #TravelGoals.. Fact: The Hudson River isn’t exactly known for its crystal-clear waters either. I guess the GIs were just looking for a fairy tale river that was never going to exist..
• Headline: Curb Exchange Transition to Par Value. Impact: Changing stock shares from no par to par is essentially the financial world's version of 'Let's pretend everything is fine and see if anyone buys it.' Spoiler alert: they did.. Fact: Financial jargon is just like a foreign language. If you don't know what it means, you’re probably better off. Just nod and pretend to understand!.
• Headline: Congress Investigates Illegal Meat Sales. Impact: Ah, the meat black market; where every cow is a potential crime scene. This scandal likely led to the rise of vegetarianism in the following decades, as people pondered whether their burgers were worth the risk.. Fact: The black market is basically just a grocery store for risk-takers. Who knew steak could come with a side of legal trouble?.
• Headline: Books of the Times; Old Bavarian and the Gauleiter Failure to Control Own Power. Impact: This book about Bavarian failures likely inspired countless future politicians to embrace incompetence as a strategy. After all, if you can't control your power, just write a memoir about it!. Fact: Gauleiters were basically the original influencers of their time, except their followers had to follow them to avoid being sent to the front lines. Talk about a captive audience!.
• Headline: 8,240 Conscientious Objectors at Work, Some as 'Guinea Pigs' in Hospitals Here. Impact: The conscientious objectors working in hospitals may have inadvertently inspired future debates about the ethics of medical testing. Who knew pacifism could lead to medical breakthroughs?. Fact: Being a conscientious objector is a fancy way of saying, 'I'd rather not go to war, but sure, I'll help with the aftermath.'.
• Headline: BLAKE NAMED HEAD COACH; Succeeds Dellmuth as Director of Football at Swarthmore. Impact: A new head coach at Swarthmore! This could have led to a chain reaction of football mediocrity that would haunt the team's legacy for decades. Thanks, Blake!. Fact: College football is the only place where losing is just as celebrated as winning—after all, everyone gets a participation trophy, right?.
• Headline: Report Gen. Vanaman Liberated. Impact: General Vanaman's liberation likely sparked a wave of motivational speeches about the power of perseverance. His story could be the inspiration behind countless 'never give up' memes.. Fact: Being liberated from a prison camp sounds dramatic, but it’s just a very intense version of 'finding your way back home after a long vacation.'.
• Headline: RE-ELECTED Y.W.H.A. HEAD; Mrs. Richard J. Bernhard Chosen for 3d Consecutive Term. Impact: Mrs. Bernhard's consecutive term likely led to a wave of women thinking they could actually hold positions of power, which is a solid but dangerous precedent. Watch out, patriarchy!. Fact: YWHA stands for Young Women's Hebrew Association, but it could just as easily stand for 'Yes, We Hold Authority' given their trend of re-electing strong women..
• Headline: BURMA OIL CENTER SEIZED BY BRITISH; Yenangyaung Is Captured in Swift Advance by Tanks and Infantry. Impact: The British seizing the Burma oil center might have ignited a series of geopolitical games that would make Monopoly look like a casual family affair. Who knew oil was such a hot commodity?. Fact: Yenangyaung may not have been on anyone's travel itinerary, but it played a crucial role in teaching future generations that 'location, location, location' is essential—especially when it comes to oil..