APRIL 25, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Philippines Unveils Victim Accounts of Atrocities. Impact: This pamphlet may have inadvertently inspired future activists to use print media as a means to hold governments accountable, leading to the rise of the modern-day meme culture. Who knew a pamphlet could lead to cat memes speaking truth to power?. Fact: Pamphlets were once the TikToks of their day—short, impactful, and capable of igniting revolutions (or just a lot of really heated book clubs)..
• Headline: AP Board Re-Election Update. Impact: The re-election of these directors may have subtly contributed to the birth of 'The Office' sitcom by showcasing how painfully mundane board meetings can be. Thanks, Associated Press!. Fact: In a shocking twist, board meetings have been scientifically proven to decrease overall enthusiasm for life by at least 27%..
• Headline: Parley on Chinese Proposals in 1945. Impact: By reaching San Francisco, the Secretary of State accidentally helped make it a prime location for tech startups, as every new proposal now has to pass through the Bay Area filter of 'Will this help me get a VC?'. Fact: San Francisco: where every proposal is treated like a new iPhone release—overhyped and often disappointing..
• Headline: ATTLEE STRESSES PEACE ECONOMICS; Deputy Prime Minister Calls World Welfare Betterment Positive Parley Problem Speaks to Hundreds of Reporters Goal Is Decent Life for All Depression Led to War. Impact: Attlee's call for peace economics may have inadvertently led to the rise of the wellness industry, with future generations believing that yoga and avocado toast could fix all global conflicts. Spoiler alert: they can't.. Fact: The only thing that truly led to world welfare was a universal understanding that we all still have to pay rent..
• Headline: B-29'S AMASS HITS ON TOKYO AIR PLANT; Hitachi Buildings Battered-- Tachikawa Hangars Also Ripped--31 Planes Bagged Tachikawa Plant Hit Foe Lists 3,140,000 Victims. Impact: The B-29 raids may have sparked the idea that air conditioning units could double as military weapons, leading to the invention of 'smart' thermostats that control your comfort with a side of guilt.. Fact: The B-29 was the original influencer, dropping bombs and then calling it 'strategic urban renewal.'.
• Headline: BUS SAFETY DEVICES SUGGESTED AT PARLEY. Impact: The push for bus safety devices paved the way for the modern obsession with safety regulations, resulting in the absurd number of safety warnings we see today—because who doesn't love a good 50-page instruction manual?. Fact: Bus safety devices are just like seat belts—necessary, but the real safety issue is making sure you don't accidentally sit next to someone who smells like they just ran a marathon..
• Headline: 46 NATIONS READY TO ORGANIZE PEACE; ONLY POLES ABSENT; PART OF THE BRITISH DELEGATION ON THEIR ARRIVAL. Impact: The organization of 46 nations may have set the stage for future global summits where world leaders gather to discuss pressing issues while simultaneously avoiding eye contact and real solutions.. Fact: The only thing more complicated than organizing a peace summit is trying to find a parking spot in downtown D.C..
• Headline: Surplus War Factories Should Be Leased, Not Sold at Once, Biddle Tells Congress. Impact: Biddle's suggestion on surplus war factories may have inadvertently led to the rise of DIY culture and the belief that anyone can build a rocket in their garage. Spoiler: they probably can't.. Fact: Leasing is just a fancy way of saying, 'We’re not ready to commit to a long-term relationship with our factories yet.'.
• Headline: M'GOLDRICK WOOS COALITION BACKING; Controller Reported Willing to Accept Nomination Even if He Must Oppose Mayor. Impact: M'Goldrick's coalition aspirations may have sown the seeds for future political campaigns that focus more on alliances than actual policies, leading to the modern-day 'Vote for Me Because I’m Not Them' strategy.. Fact: Opposing the Mayor is like challenging a toddler to a race—sure, you might win, but it’s probably not the most dignified way to go about it..
• Headline: Scholarship Fund Set Up. Impact: The establishment of a scholarship fund may have inadvertently encouraged future generations to believe they could fund their way through life, leading to the birth of GoFundMe and countless crowdfunding campaigns for avocado toast.. Fact: Scholarships: because paying for college should be as complicated as deciphering a 10-page user manual for a toaster..