APRIL 3, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: WSA Requires Chicken for Troopships. Impact: The sudden chicken shortage led to the invention of the first chicken-flavored protein bar in 1957, which caused a poultry uprising that eventually resulted in chickens forming their own government in 2060. They still debate whether to allow humans to keep eating them.. Fact: Did you know that in 1943, people would rather surrender their chicken than their freedom? Talk about poultry priorities!.
• Headline: Eli Hamrick: Mountaineer Statue Inspiration. Impact: Eli Hamrick's likeness inspired a wave of 'mountaineer' fashion that peaked in the 1970s, leading to an unfortunate trend of plaid shirts and suspenders that still haunts fashionistas today.. Fact: Eli was considered the 'typical mountaineer' because he had the uncanny ability to wear flannel in every season, even summer. Talk about dedication!.
• Headline: DR. JOHN W. DILL, 102, DIES; Given Only Six Months to Live When Discharged in 1864. Impact: Dr. Dill's remarkable longevity shattered expectations and inadvertently led to a boom in longevity research, forever altering the course of gerontology and giving rise to the term 'dill-pending' for those who live much longer than expected.. Fact: It's ironic that Dr. Dill managed to outlive many of his contemporaries, proving once and for all that 'dying of old age' is just a suggestion..
• Headline: DR. ROBERT THOMPSON; Associate History Professor at Rutgers University Was 48. Impact: Dr. Thompson's untimely passing prompted an entire generation of students to reconsider their life choices, leading to a spike in history majors who thought they could 'do better'—resulting in a trend of historians who can't find jobs.. Fact: Being a history professor means you get to tell students, 'Do as I say, not as I did,' which is basically the motto of academia..
• Headline: RACKET VERDICT STANDS; Supreme Court Denies Review to Kaufman and 6 Others. Impact: The refusal to review the extortion case set a precedent for future legal battles, ultimately leading to the invention of the reality TV court show format, where justice is served with a side of drama.. Fact: In some alternate universe, Kaufman became a reality show star and now has a 'Kaufman vs. The World' series where he debates with cartoon characters. Spoiler: he loses every time..
• Headline: AVIATION CONGRESS OPENING IN PARIS; THE AMERICANS CROSS WATER AND STEINS IN HEIDELBERG. Impact: The aviation congress prompted a transatlantic rivalry that led to the 'Great Airplane Race of 1975,' where pilots raced with the most ridiculous aircraft designs imaginable—think flying toasters and jet-powered hot tubs.. Fact: The only thing that flies faster than a jet is the rumor that someone will finally invent a flying car. Spoiler: it’s still in the works… forever..