MARCH 21, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ballantine Warns Against Planned Economy. Impact: If Ballantine had just handed out job guarantees like candy, we might have a world where everyone is employed as a professional ice cream taster or cat video curator. Instead, we just have more debates about socialism than actual social programs.. Fact: Did you know that in some alternate timeline, 'job guarantee' was the name of a popular reality TV show? Spoiler alert: everyone got fired..
• Headline: V.F.W. Advocates Furlough for Soldiers. Impact: One can only imagine if the V.F.W. had successfully pushed for furloughs, we might have seen a trend where soldiers regularly exchanged combat for beach vacations. Who knew fighting for freedom could come with travel benefits?. Fact: Fun fact: rotating soldiers might have led to the world's first international 'Soldier Exchange Program.' Imagine the cultural exchanges!.
• Headline: Ruml Critiques Building Industry in 1945. Impact: If Ruml had been taken seriously, the building industry might have become the most glamorous profession on the planet, leading to a world where architects were treated like celebrities. Move over Hollywood!. Fact: Did you know that Ruml's critiques were actually part of a secret plan to make building blocks the official currency? Yeah, that didn’t quite pan out..
• Headline: PHILIPPINE RELIEF PLAN; U.S. Will Assist in Island's Economic Restoration. Impact: U.S. aid to the Philippines could have led to a thriving economic alliance, where pineapple pizza became a symbol of international unity. Talk about a cultural revolution!. Fact: Fun fact: the Philippines has the world's longest Christmas season, so imagine if U.S. aid had turned it into a year-round holiday party!.
• Headline: Nobile Restored to Duty With Major General Rank. Impact: Nobile's restoration to duty could have sparked an entire genre of 'comeback' stories, inspiring movies like 'Top Gun: The Return of the Major' where generals become rock stars.. Fact: Did you know that after his crash, Nobile was actually considered for a superhero role? 'The Major: Defender of the Skies' just didn’t have the same ring to it..
• Headline: Arrest of Stork Club Owner Sought in Vain By Taxpayer Union Head on Curfew Charge. Impact: If the taxpayer union had succeeded, we might have seen a world where curfew violations were punishable by being forced to watch every episode of a reality show—forever.. Fact: Fun fact: the Stork Club was actually a front for a secret society of night owls who met to discuss the merits of staying up past curfew. Shocking, I know..
• Headline: Boston Longshoremen Return. Impact: The Boston Longshoremen's return could have sparked a movement where every labor dispute ended with a group hug and pizza parties, making strikes the new team-building exercise.. Fact: Did you know that after this one-day strike, a bunch of longshoremen tried to unionize for the right to eat pizza on the job? True story!.
• Headline: REICH CITIES TOPPLE; Worms, Saarbruecken and Zweibruecken Fall --Foe's Escape Cut THIRD REACHES MAINZ 3 Divisions Plow Past Siegfried Line--First Swells Bridgehead Three Divisions Crash Through Planes Line Up to Strike GERMAN ARMIES SMASHED IN SAAR Tenth Rolls Up Four Miles. Impact: The fall of Reich cities might have been the pivotal moment that led to a series of embarrassing 'We Will Rebuild' rallies where the slogan became a meme. History loves a good punchline.. Fact: It's said that the Allies' strategy meetings included a lot of discussions about how to reinvent the phrase 'You can't go home again' into a catchy slogan..
• Headline: International Bill of Human Rights To Be Offered at World Peace Parley. Impact: If the International Bill of Human Rights had gained traction, we might be living in a world where every person is required to have a personal 'human rights lawyer' on retainer, which sounds both unnecessary and hilariously bureaucratic.. Fact: Fun fact: the first draft of the Bill included a right to unlimited pizza, but it was deemed too controversial for the peace parley. Imagine the debates!.
• Headline: TRADE FAIR PROPOSED; Albany Bill Would Set Up a Nonprofit Corporation. Impact: If the Albany bill had passed, we could have witnessed a renaissance of trade fairs where each booth was a hipster art installation, and the phrase 'nonprofit corporation' became synonymous with artisanal pickles.. Fact: Did you know that the first proposed trade fair was almost a competitive eating contest? Now that would have made headlines!.