FEBRUARY 9, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Stoughton Leaves Wagner College. Impact: Dr. Stoughton's departure from Wagner College led to a series of unfortunate events that caused the college to pivot towards a more avant-garde curriculum involving interpretive dance and existential philosophy. Who knew a simple resignation could spark an academic revolution?. Fact: Wagner College once had a mascot named 'The Wagnerian Walrus.' It didn’t really help with recruitment..
• Headline: Heroic Rescue by Acting Sgt. Forsythe. Impact: Acting Sgt. J.W. Forsythe's heroic act saved a crew and inadvertently made him the poster child for Airman Retirement Plans, leading to a sudden surge in airmen nervously eyeing retirement brochures.. Fact: If you save a crew from a blimp, you might end up with a blimp-sized retirement cake. Just saying..
• Headline: Oklahoma! Ready for Foxhole Tour. Impact: 'Oklahoma!' going overseas transformed the musical landscape of military entertainment, accidentally inspiring a generation of soldiers to belt out show tunes in the trenches, which, you know, probably didn't help morale.. Fact: The original show was so popular it was almost adapted into a military training manual. I mean, who can resist a good Oklahoma! number while dodging bullets?.
• Headline: MUELLER, REDS, IN ARMY; Catcher Assigned to Processing Station in Pennsylvania. Impact: Mueller's induction into the army sparked a wave of baseball players joining the military, leading to a shortage of catchers and the invention of the ‘military baseball’ where players simply threw rocks.. Fact: Baseball and war have a long history together. It's almost like they should start a club..
• Headline: CITY AREA SEEN SAFE FROM 'BOOM OR BUST'. Impact: The 'Boom or Bust' report caused a regional panic that ultimately led to the creation of financial support groups for people who have no idea what 'financial planning' means. Spoiler alert: it involves more than just wishing on a star.. Fact: The term 'Boom or Bust' was actually coined by a guy who couldn’t decide if he wanted pancakes or waffles for breakfast..
• Headline: EUROPEANS TO GET FOOD FROM BRITAIN; Allies Propose to Send 10% of Stores There to French, Belgians and Dutch. Impact: The decision to send food from Britain to Europe set off a chain reaction of culinary diplomacy that resulted in many countries trying to outdo each other with extravagant food offerings. This is how France ended up sending croissants to the UK during an energy crisis.. Fact: The French once considered sending only baguettes, but then realized that a country can't survive on bread alone. Silly French!.
• Headline: GOLDBERG DEFENDS RECORD UNDER FIRE; Auctioneer Says Accuser Lies, Tells of Loss--Hazy on 1921 Deal Charged by Ferguson. Impact: Goldberg's testimony became the catalyst for countless auctioneers to adopt the slogan, 'We don’t lie, we just embellish!' leading to a national crisis of trust in the auctioneer community.. Fact: Auctioneers are just like magicians, except they can’t pull rabbits out of hats—only overpriced trinkets..
• Headline: Big RAF Force Rips Berlin To Top Day of Wide Attacks; HUGE RAF FORCE HAMMERS BERLIN. Impact: The massive RAF assault on Berlin not only shook the city but also made a few Berliners reconsider their life choices—like maybe not living in a war zone. Who could have guessed?. Fact: Berlin became known as the 'City of War and Wurst' during this time. The sausage was practically a mascot..
• Headline: D.M. NELSON ASKS LICENSE; WPB Ex-Head Files Application to Marry Miss Coulbourn. Impact: D.M. Nelson's license application to marry Miss Coulbourn sparked a trend among bureaucrats to apply for licenses in increasingly elaborate and ridiculous ways, including a proposal that required a full PowerPoint presentation.. Fact: In some cultures, filing for a marriage license is considered a romantic gesture. In others, it's just paperwork..
• Headline: WELFARE UNIT BEGINS ADOPTIONS INQUIRY. Impact: The NYC Welfare Committee's adoption inquiry led to a nationwide trend of welfare organizations taking on the role of matchmakers, resulting in a reality show that was sadly canceled after one episode due to lack of drama.. Fact: Adoption inquiries were originally meant to be a straightforward process. Then someone thought, 'Why not add a twist?' And then it got weird..