JANUARY 18, 1945

Full News Archive

• Headline: Maloney Funeral Service Scheduled Tomorrow. Impact: Maloney's funeral became the unofficial starting point for every awkward family gathering since, with people saying, 'At least it's not as bad as that one time at Maloney's.'. Fact: Funerals are like family reunions but with less potato salad and more existential dread..
• Headline: Exploring Joyce's Dual Dublin. Impact: The students comparing drafts of Joyce's work inadvertently created an alternate timeline where literary hipsters now wear berets and sip overpriced coffee while discussing the merits of obscure Irish authors.. Fact: James Joyce once said that he was not a writer but a 'literary bomb' — and he was right, because his works certainly exploded into confusion..
• Headline: 1,300 Workers Volunteer for Army Support. Impact: The 1,300 volunteers' day of work inspired a wave of future corporate 'charity days' where employees pretend to care while secretly wishing they were at home binge-watching reality TV.. Fact: Volunteering: where you can trade your time for a free T-shirt and the illusion that you're making a difference..
• Headline: MRS. ROBERT JOHNSTON; Wife of Advertising Man Was Active in Brooklyn Charities. Impact: Mrs. Johnston's charitable work set off a chain reaction leading to the eventual rise of online fundraisers where people can now donate money to cats with elaborate backstories.. Fact: Charitable work is just like being a Pinterest mom, but with slightly less glitter and more actual impact..
• Headline: Paralysis in City Cost $238,397 in 1944, Says O'Connor in Plea for March of Dimes. Impact: O'Connor's plea for the March of Dimes sparked a national obsession with dimes, leading to a bizarre future where people hoard them as if they're ancient artifacts.. Fact: The March of Dimes was originally founded to combat polio—now it’s mostly remembered for its catchy name and the oddity of people still caring about dimes..
• Headline: Forrestal Campaigns for Navy. Impact: Forrestal’s campaign for a strong navy inadvertently led to the modern obsession with naval-themed video games, forever trapping gamers in a loop of pixelated battles and sea shanties.. Fact: In the Navy, you can sail the seven seas—or you can just stay home and play video games about it instead..
• Headline: DODDS, STAR MILER, QUITS COMPETITION; MILER TO RETIRE. Impact: Dodds' retirement from competition inspired a generation of athletes to quit and become motivational speakers, which, ironically, resulted in fewer people being motivated to do anything at all.. Fact: Retiring from competition often leads to a new career as a motivational speaker, where you can tell people how not to achieve their dreams!.
• Headline: UGO, D'ANNUNZIO, AIRMRN, POET'S SON; Aviation Engineer, Ex-Agent for Isotta Motors Here, Is Dead at Age of 56. Impact: Ugo D'Annunzio's death led to a short-lived conspiracy theory that his poetic gifts would be reincarnated in a future generation of emo singers, thus shaping the sound of pop-punk for decades.. Fact: Being the child of a poet is like being born into a family that insists on discussing feelings over brunch — all the time..