OCTOBER 25, 1944

Full News Archive

• Headline: ANPA Protests AP Lawsuit Outcome. Impact: The ANPA protest against the AP lawsuit decision sparked a decades-long feud that eventually led to an underground society of journalists who communicate only through interpretive dance. Fact: Protesting a lawsuit is like trying to stop a train with a feather; it might look noble but you’re still just going to get run over.
• Headline: Welles Warns of 'Perfectionists,' Others Who Attempt to Alter Dumbarton Plan. Impact: Welles' warning about 'perfectionists' trying to alter the Dumbarton Plan inadvertently created a secret society of those who now only alter plans for pizza orders—no winning involved. Fact: Perfectionists and procrastinators are just two sides of the same coin—one insists on getting it right, the other insists on getting it done... eventually.
• Headline: Patrolman Indicted for Murder. Impact: The murder indictment against Patrolman Hammer led to an unexpected surge in patrolmen starting to invest in self-defense classes, only for them to realize they were better suited for yoga. Fact: Murder charges have a way of making people rethink their career choices—unless you’re a politician, of course.
• Headline: JEWS IN RUMANIA FAIL TO GET RIGHTS; 150,000 Face Starvation and Cold, Ignored in 'Freedom' by 'Democratic' Regime. Impact: The plight of 150,000 Jews in Rumania being ignored by the government led to the founding of a secret network of soup kitchens, which operated under the radar to provide food and warmth, and sometimes free Wi-Fi. Fact: Governments ignoring humanitarian crises might as well be a sport—everyone’s a spectator, but nobody wants to play.
• Headline: DR. CHARLES G. BARICLA. Impact: Dr. Charles G. Barkla's contributions to science led to a future where physicists could use their credentials to get free coffee, which is the true measure of success in academia. Fact: Barkla's research on x-rays was pivotal; too bad he couldn't use one to see how much coffee he’d need to survive his academic meetings.
• Headline: DR. BURTON KONKLE, AUTHOR, HISTORIAN. Impact: Dr. Burton Konkle's work as an author and historian paved the way for the creation of 'Historical Fiction Book Clubs,' where members argue over who would survive a zombie apocalypse based on their knowledge of history. Fact: Historians often wish they could time travel, but they’d probably just end up getting lost in the past—like someone who takes the wrong exit on a road trip.