SEPTEMBER 22, 1944

Full News Archive

• Headline: Thomas E. Curran's Impact in 1944. Impact: If only Curran had decided to take a different career path, perhaps the world would have been spared countless hours of mundane paperwork and administrative mishaps. Who knew one man's name could lead to such a bureaucratic butterfly effect?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more thrilling than reading about Thomas E. Curran is... well, literally anything else?.
• Headline: Emile Buchignani's Impact on Journalism. Impact: Buchignani's rise in the newspaper world not only influenced local journalism but also paved the way for future columnists to complain about how nobody reads the paper anymore while simultaneously posting on social media. Fact: Fun fact: Emile Buchignani may have been the first to discover that newspapers are just fancy toilet paper for most of the 21st century.
• Headline: Hope for Permanent Peace Discussed in 1944. Impact: Dr. Hu's optimistic proclamation about permanent peace might have inspired a whole generation of people who believed world peace was just a bad sitcom waiting to happen. Spoiler alert: It wasn't. Fact: Did you know that the last world war was considered so last season? Everyone is now just waiting for the next big reality show instead.
• Headline: MRS. PHILANDER D. HALL. Impact: Mrs. Philander D. Hall's existence may have sparked the idea that 'behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.' Who knew eye-rolling could be a historical trend?. Fact: Did you know that Philander D. Hall's wife probably had more influence than him, just by virtue of needing to keep him in check?.
• Headline: Named by Federation. Impact: The appointment of women to leadership positions in philanthropic societies might have been the first step towards women realizing they could also run for president one day—just not during this timeline. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more philanthropic than these societies was their ability to throw extravagant tea parties? Because, you know, priorities.
• Headline: LOST TREES. Impact: The loss of trees could be seen as the beginning of an environmental movement, where future generations would become tree-huggers and vegans, fighting against their own carbon footprints while simultaneously posting selfies in front of trees. Fact: Did you know that one lost tree could lead to the invention of a thousand eco-friendly products nobody actually wants?.
• Headline: Wallace Calls Roosevelt Better Fitted Than Dewey; Cites Importance of President's Ties With Churchill, Stalin and Generalissimo in Solving Post-War Crises WALLACE PRAISES ROOSEVELT ABILITY. Impact: Wallace's support for Roosevelt may have inadvertently contributed to the political reality TV landscape we see today, where candidates are judged more on their ability to charm than on their actual policies. Fact: Did you know that praising Roosevelt was basically the 1940s version of liking a Facebook post? Instant popularity!.
• Headline: FINLAND INTERNS FIRST OF GERMANS; Soviet Affairs Minister Says Government Will Carry Out All Terms of Armistice RUSSIANS PROD HELSINKI Moscow Papers Accuse Finns of Lagging in Turning Over Enemy Troops to Allies. Impact: Finland's internment of Germans could have set a precedent for future conflicts, where everyone ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time, leading to a series of very awkward family reunions. Fact: Did you know that the term 'internment' was just a fancy way of saying, 'We have no idea what to do with you, so good luck!'?.
• Headline: ROOSEVELT URGES A MISSOURI 'TVA'; Asks 9-State Plan as Peace Aid, Renews Arkansas and Columbia River Proposals ROOSEVELT URGES A MISSOURI 'TVA'. Impact: Roosevelt's push for a Missouri TVA might have inspired the creation of more government programs, ultimately leading to the bureaucracy we all know and love today—thanks, FDR!. Fact: Did you know that a TVA in Missouri was just a way to ensure even more people could complain about water quality while sipping bottled water?.
• Headline: Old Furniture Auctioned. Impact: The auctioning of old furniture might have set off a global trend in upcycling, leading to a future where people pretend their grandma's old chair is vintage and worth a fortune. Fact: Did you know that old furniture is just a euphemism for 'things your relatives didn't want anymore'?.