SEPTEMBER 6, 1944

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Passing of Depot Executive. Impact: The passing of Charles F. Mell at the Bellemead Depot sparked a chain reaction leading to the invention of the 'Mell Memorial Coffee Break'—a movement that has resulted in countless workers pretending to be productive while consuming caffeine in the name of remembrance. Fact: Charles F. Mell was 69, which is just about the age when one starts receiving unsolicited advice on how to live life to the fullest. Apparently, he didn’t take the hint.
• Headline: George A. Baijiwin's Historical Significance. Impact: George A. Baldwin's mention in the headlines means he likely became the 'forgotten hero' of history, inspiring a cult following of people who obsessively track down his every move—only to realize he was just a guy with a regular life. Fact: With a name like George A. Baldwin, you can bet he was probably mistaken for the lead in a 1940s detective film. Spoiler: he wasn’t.
• Headline: Army Prioritizes Fathers and Veterans in Demobilization. Impact: The Army’s decision to prioritize fathers and veterans in demobilization led to an unexpected rise in dad jokes, as newly released soldiers sought to reclaim their status as the masters of pun. Fact: This move was basically the military’s way of saying, 'hey, we know you've been off fighting, but your terrible jokes are still needed at home!'.
• Headline: FALL OF GERMANY RUMORED IN ERROR; Brussels Retracts First Story -- Diplomatic Activity Rises Sharply in Vatican. Impact: Brussels retracting the fall of Germany rumor sent shockwaves through the diplomatic community, prompting an increase in coffee consumption as officials struggled to stay awake during endless negotiations. Fact: Retracting a major news story is like getting a haircut; everyone notices the mistake but nobody wants to be the first to say it.
• Headline: CANADIAN CABINET HOLDS FULL SESSION. Impact: The full session of the Canadian Cabinet led to an increase in maple syrup production, as a group of politicians discussed how to make the country sweeter, one debate at a time. Fact: A full Cabinet session is basically like a really long family dinner—everyone talks over each other, and dessert is always the highlight.
• Headline: U.S. BOMBERS ROCK RHINELAND TARGETS; Karlsruhe, a Nazi Defense Key, Hit Also by RAF in Blow Ahead of Patton's Troops U.S. BOMBERS ROCK RHINELAND BASES. Impact: U.S. bombers targeting the Rhineland inadvertently inspired a new trend in military strategy: 'bombing with style,' which led to a fashion line of combat gear that never really took off. Fact: The term 'bombing' has never sounded so glamorous, yet here we are, making war look like a runway show.
• Headline: An Unfortunate Word. Impact: The unfortunate word surrounding psychoneurosis led to a series of misunderstandings that resulted in a decade-long debate over whether it was a legitimate condition or just the latest trend in mental health lingo. Fact: Psychoneurosis sounds like something a hipster would name their cat, and yet here we are, trying to figure out if it’s a real thing.
• Headline: 37 JAPANESE CRAFT BOMBED BY ALLIES; 13 Troop-Laden Vessels Sunk or Damaged Off Philippines in Series of Attacks. Impact: The bombing of Japanese craft triggered an unexpected boom in the fishing industry in the Philippines, as locals found themselves with an abundance of fish—as long as they weren’t looking for anything bigger than a sardine. Fact: That time the Allies bombed 37 Japanese vessels? Just a reminder that sometimes, war really messes with local fisheries.
• Headline: 17 INDICTED IN PLOT TO SMUGGLE 'DOPE'; Group Ran In Narcotics From the Bahamas in 1940-41 but Retained Organization. Impact: The indictment of 17 individuals for a dope smuggling plot resulted in a nationwide spike in conspiracy theories about the Bahamas being a secret hub for narcotics, leading to an influx of 'treasure hunters' combing the beaches for hidden stashes. Fact: The only thing more entertaining than a dope smuggling plot is the number of people who think they can find buried treasure in their own backyards.
• Headline: HENRY H. VANDERVEEE. Impact: Henry H. Vanderveer's name popping up in headlines likely led to a resurgence of interest in old-timey names, resulting in a baby boom of 'Henrys' and 'H's'—all waiting to be called 'Vandy' by their friends. Fact: You know you’ve made it when your name is in the newspaper. Or, you know, when you've just become a trivia question nobody cares to answer.