NOVEMBER 20, 1943

Full News Archive

• Headline: Frank B. Pottle's Notable Contributions. Impact: Frank B. Pottle's legacy is a tangled web of bureaucratic inefficiencies and a bizarre cult following among time travelers who think he was a secret agent. His decision to attend a meeting rather than taking a vacation led to the invention of the 'Pottle Protocol'—a set of absurdly convoluted procedures that have haunted corporate meetings ever since.. Fact: Frank B. Pottle's name is often confused with that of a fictional character from a series of outdated sitcoms. So, no, he wasn’t a sitcom star—just a guy with a great name!.
• Headline: Mathematics of Subsidies Explained. Impact: The mathematics of subsidies sparked a revolution in economic theory that led to a global obsession with spreadsheets and a rise in coffee consumption among economists. Little did they know, their caffeine-fueled calculations would eventually lead to the creation of the infamous 'Excel Dance'—a viral phenomenon among accountants.. Fact: If you think subsidies are boring, try explaining them to someone who just wants to talk about the latest TikTok dance. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Newspaper Print Reduction Announcement. Impact: The reduction in newsprint sparked a series of unfortunate events that led to the rise of digital news, which in turn led to countless cat videos taking over the internet. Who knew that cutting down on paper would lead to an explosion of fur and memes?. Fact: 18% fewer newspapers means 18% more cat memes. Coincidence? I think not!.
• Headline: Heads Canadian Bankers. Impact: S.M. Wedd’s election as president of the Canadian Bankers was the tipping point that led to an era of financial jargon that would confuse generations to come. It’s said that his inaugural speech contained so many buzzwords that it short-circuited several brain cells of the attendees.. Fact: S.M. Wedd once tried to explain banking to a group of toddlers. The toddlers ended up explaining life to him instead!.
• Headline: DISTRIBUTING PHYSICIANS. Impact: The push for adequate funding for public health services in rural areas inadvertently led to the invention of telemedicine, which is now the reason why your doctor might be wearing pajama pants during your video call. Thanks a lot, Ed!. Fact: Before telemedicine, doctors had to actually wear pants. Now they just need to look presentable from the waist up, which is a win for comfort!.
• Headline: LOCAL UNIT ASSAILS NATIONAL NEWS GUILD; Pamphlet Urges End of Inquiry Into Contract Negotiations. Impact: The National News Guild's inquiry into contract negotiations sparked a nationwide debate on the meaning of 'contract'—which many people still misunderstand. This led to countless awkward interactions in cafes where people tried to negotiate their coffee orders.. Fact: If you think contract negotiations are dry, just wait until you see someone try to negotiate a refund on a latte. Now that’s entertainment!.
• Headline: ERICSON HEAD OF SKI CLUB; Wictorin and Larson Also Take Offices in Swedish Group. Impact: The election of leadership in the Swedish Ski Club led to the creation of the first-ever 'Ski Olympics,' which was quickly canceled due to too much snow and not enough planning. The event is now remembered as a cautionary tale among event organizers.. Fact: Ski clubs are basically just support groups for people who fall down a lot. Who knew falling could be so social?.
• Headline: LINCOLN AT GETTYSBURG. Impact: Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was so powerful that it took a hundred years for anyone to even attempt to give a speech of similar weight. Ironically, this led to the rise of motivational speakers who think they can inspire change by yelling at you about your potential.. Fact: Lincoln delivered his speech in just two minutes. If only today’s politicians could keep it under three hours!.
• Headline: Abroad; The Advantage of Postponed Solutions. Impact: A.O. McCormick's comments on postponed solutions led to a global trend of procrastination that still haunts humanity today. Little did he know, his words were the rallying cry for couch potatoes everywhere.. Fact: The phrase 'I’ll do it tomorrow' can be traced back to this very commentary. Thanks, A.O. McCormick—now we all have an excuse!.
• Headline: FARM SURVEY HITS BUSINESS PROFITS; Advertisers' Study Shows 60% See Them Excessive -- Public Backs Advertised Goods. Impact: The farm survey revealing business profit views led to a massive shift in advertising strategy, which inadvertently caused the rise of influencer culture. Farmers are now trying to figure out how to get cows on TikTok to boost their brand.. Fact: If farmers knew they could get rich by just posting pictures of their cows, they'd have started their Instagram accounts ages ago!.