AUGUST 17, 1943

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tribute to Sir Fred Phillips. Impact: His death led to a sudden reshuffling of financial advisors, resulting in the Great British Bake Off being funded instead of actual economic recovery plans, as all the smart people were too busy making cupcakes.. Fact: Sir Fred Phillips was once asked for his opinion on a financial crisis and simply replied, 'You can’t spell 'debt' without 'eat.'.
• Headline: Frederick A. Mann's Historic Contribution. Impact: This headline caused a temporary glitch in the timeline where everyone started using nonsensical letters in place of actual words, leading to a generation of confused students trying to decipher their textbooks.. Fact: If you ever find yourself staring at a jumbled mess of letters, just remember: you're not alone. The internet has plenty of 'creative writing' competitions to join!.
• Headline: Dinner Celebrates S.S. Isseks Leadership. Impact: The dinner was so boring that it inadvertently inspired the creation of 'dinner theater' as people realized they needed entertainment to survive social gatherings.. Fact: S.S. Isseks was actually the first person to suggest that dinner should come with a side of stand-up comedy. Too bad no one listened until decades later!.
• Headline: Pennsylvania Woman Was 103. Impact: Her longevity sparked a wild craze of 'longevity potions' that were actually just kale smoothies, leading to a generation of people who refused to eat anything that wasn’t green and mushy.. Fact: At 103, she still refused to share her secret to longevity, likely because it was just a steady diet of sarcasm and avoiding drama..
• Headline: Books of the Times. Impact: The publication of new literature led to a global increase in book clubs, which eventually resulted in the invention of the wine glass as an essential reading accessory.. Fact: In the fight for the next bestseller, authors have been known to resort to drastic measures, like writing books about how to write books!.
• Headline: QUITS OVER FATHER DRAFT; Wood County, Ohio, Board's Chief Will Not Be 'Party' to It. Impact: This resignation sparked a nationwide debate over the morality of drafting parents, leading to the eventual introduction of 'family game night' as a substitute for mandatory service.. Fact: The board member's act of conscience inspired countless memes about 'not wanting to be drafted for family responsibilities.'.
• Headline: Mark Twain's 'Perfect Man'. Impact: Twain's depiction of the 'perfect man' set unrealistic expectations for men everywhere, resulting in a century-long quest for the perfect mustache.. Fact: Twain once claimed that the perfect man was simply a myth, like Bigfoot or a polite internet troll..
• Headline: WAR ART DISPLAY OPENS TOMORROW; Collection of Work Done on Various Fronts to Be Seen at the Metropolitan 146 ITEMS ARE INCLUDED Artists Were Commissioned by Life Magazine -- Show Will Run to Sept. 19. Impact: The exhibit ignited a wave of artistic expression that led to an oversaturation of war-themed art, making it nearly impossible to find a normal landscape painting in galleries for decades.. Fact: Some of the artworks were so abstract that viewers questioned whether the artist had just been doodling during a particularly boring meeting..