JULY 7, 1943

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goldstein Appoints New Assistant Attorney General. Impact: When Goldstein named a new aide, the cosmic balance was thrown off, causing a worldwide shortage of assistant attorneys general. This led to a boom in cat videos as people sought new forms of entertainment.. Fact: Fun fact: L Winer was not just an aide; he was also known for his world-class coffee-making skills, which were sadly never utilized in the office..
• Headline: W.G. Wolpert's New Trade Position. Impact: W.G. Wolpert's appointment as the sec-treas of the United Hebrew Trades sparked a series of unfortunate events leading to the establishment of a secret society of utility belt-wearing tradespeople. They still meet in basements to this day.. Fact: The United Hebrew Trades is rumored to have once held a meeting on the moon, but the paperwork was lost in space..
• Headline: Swing Music's Influence in WWII. Impact: The Moroccan radio's reports on a swing to French communism inadvertently caused a global dance craze, forever changing the way people interpreted the term 'swing' in political discourse.. Fact: In a bizarre twist, French communists were later found to have the best dance moves, leading to a rise in international dance-offs instead of political debates..
• Headline: Bevin Gets U.S. Labor Gift. Impact: Bevin receiving a U.S. labor gift for a rest break scheme triggered a worldwide movement for mandatory nap times, which led to the rise of 'nap cafes'—a concept that has still yet to be fully embraced by corporate America.. Fact: Rumor has it that Bevin's original plan involved mandatory pajama days, but Congress didn't find it 'professional enough.'.
• Headline: MICHAE__ L. M'__LA! N; Mayor Hague's Labor' AdviserI Headed Pilots Union Local 3 1. Impact: McLain's ascent to labor adviser left a vacuum in the labor sector, causing a short-lived spike in the popularity of interpretive dance as a means of negotiation in union meetings.. Fact: Michael L. McLain was once mistaken for a famous movie star, leading to a brief career in Hollywood where he starred in 'Labor Relations: The Musical.'.
• Headline: DR. THO$. HUBBARD, THROAT SPECIALIST; A Creator of Bronchoscopic Instruments Dies at 84 in Ashtabula, Ohio HAD PRACTICED IN TOLEDO Began Intubation for Croup in 1891 -- First in City to Use Diphtheria Antitoxin. Impact: Dr. Thomas Hubbard's pioneering work in bronchoscopic instruments ultimately led to the invention of the karaoke machine, as people sought to explore new vocal frontiers post-intubation.. Fact: Hubbard's last words were reportedly, 'If I had a dime for every throat I examined, I could fund my own karaoke bar.'.
• Headline: ACTOR GETS DRAFT TERM; Sent to Prison -- Joe Kirkwood's Son Put on Probation. Impact: Joe Kirkwood's son being put on probation for draft violations inspired a generation of rebellious youth to start a band called 'The Draft Dodgers,' who never quite made it past their garage.. Fact: Kirkwood's son later starred in a reality show about small-town life, proving that even draft dodging can lead to fame—with the right producers..
• Headline: Spitfire Gets Home By 30-Mile Glide. Impact: The Spitfire's daring 30-mile glide after a raid led to a series of increasingly ridiculous aviation stunts, culminating in the infamous 'Flying Circus' that had pilots juggling while flying.. Fact: The Spitfire's glide was so impressive that it inspired a short-lived 1940s fashion trend of 'aerodynamic hats.'.
• Headline: DE GAULLE 'DRIVE' VEXES WASHINGTON; ' Anti-U.S. Campaign' Called Barrier to Recognition of Algiers Committee DE GAULLE 'DRIVE' VEXES WASHINGTON. Impact: De Gaulle's anti-U.S. campaign not only vexed Washington, but also resulted in a wave of French-themed restaurants popping up across America, with escargot becoming a staple at Super Bowl parties.. Fact: Washington's vexation was so profound that they contemplated sending de Gaulle a lifetime supply of hot dogs as a peace offering..
• Headline: RALPH H. '8EATON; Ohio Art Patron Was President of Se/eral Utility Concerns. Impact: Ralph H. Beaton's contributions to art and utility companies inadvertently set off a chain reaction of utility-themed artworks that baffled critics but delighted hipsters everywhere.. Fact: Beaton's art was once described as 'the perfect blend of utility and absurdity,' leading to the creation of a new art movement called 'Functionalism Gone Wild.'.