JUNE 28, 1943

Full News Archive

• Headline: Allied Bombers Strike Sicily Port. Impact: The raid on the Sicilian port was so effective that it led to a series of misunderstandings among Axis powers, causing them to believe that their secret weapon was just a really well-placed 'Do Not Disturb' sign. This ultimately delayed their response to the Allied forces, allowing for more pizza and pasta to be served to the liberated citizens. You're welcome, Italy.. Fact: Sicily is famous for its delicious cannoli, but during this raid, the only thing getting stuffed was the Axis's ego. Oops!.
• Headline: Acquisition of B T Washington Papers. Impact: Washington’s papers sparked a literary revolution, leading to an era where everyone thought they were a philosopher just because they read a book. Cue the rise of terrible coffee shop poetry.. Fact: Book reviews were the original social media. People would gather around to gossip about authors instead of liking their posts!.
• Headline: Remembering Charles F. Gormly. Impact: Dr. Gormly’s contributions somehow led to the creation of the world’s first anti-gravity coffee. The implications for caffeine addicts were monumental, but sadly, the coffee still tasted like regret.. Fact: Charles F. Gormly was so well-respected that even his coffee had a PhD..
• Headline: How Members From This Area Voted in Congress Last Week. Impact: The vote on the conservation fund opened Pandora’s Box of bureaucratic red tape that we're still trying to untangle today, proving that government efficiency is a myth akin to unicorns.. Fact: Voting records are basically the world's most boring reality show. Spoiler alert: nobody wins!.
• Headline: JAPANESE SHIP HIT BY ALLIED BOMBER; Our Fliers Rake Mubo Area in New Guinea -- Attack Salamaua. Impact: The bombing of the Japanese ship was so on-target that it caused a ripple effect leading to the invention of really intense video games, where players could relive the tension—minus the actual danger, of course.. Fact: In the world of WWII, Allied bombers were basically the original drone pilots, minus the cool gadgets and safety regulations..
• Headline: GERMANS SHELL DOVER; Enemy Is Believed Testing New Weapons Near Calais. Impact: The German shelling of Dover was the catalyst for the British to invest in stronger tea, which eventually led to the discovery of the 'Keep Calm and Carry On' slogan. Because nothing says resilience like a good cuppa.. Fact: Dover has been under attack so many times that local residents started calling their homes 'fortresses'—mostly just to sound cooler at dinner parties..
• Headline: COMMUNISTS NAME SLATE; Candidates for City Council Picked in 3 Boroughs. Impact: The Communist Party's slate pickings led to a never-ending debate about the merits of communal living, which eventually evolved into today's hipster co-ops. Thanks, comrades!. Fact: The only thing more confusing than Communist candidates is trying to explain to your grandparents what a hipster is..
• Headline: ANTOINETTE DE PINNA. Impact: Antoinette De Pinna’s name became synonymous with fashion disasters after a particularly regrettable outfit choice at a city council meeting. This single moment has haunted fashion editors ever since.. Fact: If you think your fashion choices are bad, just remember: Antoinette once wore plaid with polka dots at a formal event. Yikes!.
• Headline: 15,000 GIVE WEEK'S WORK; Teachers Yield Part of Vacation to Aid Draft Boards. Impact: The teachers’ volunteer service created a national trend for mandatory unpaid overtime, paving the way for future generations to embrace the art of overwork. Congratulations, America!. Fact: Teachers giving up vacation time is the adult version of kids giving up dessert. Who thought this was a good idea?.