MAY 20, 1943

Full News Archive

• Headline: Coal Union Protests A.F.L. Power Shift. Impact: The protest against Lewis' move to wean the union away from CIO was the catalyst for a series of union disputes that eventually led to labor laws being rewritten. Ironically, this ultimately empowered unions to argue for more coffee breaks rather than better wages. Fact: The only people more stubborn than union leaders are the people trying to get them to agree on a lunch order.
• Headline: Remembering Mrs. Sarah Simmons. Impact: Mrs. Simmons living to 105 sparked a new trend in longevity research, leading to an underground society of elderly individuals who compete in marathons just to prove they're not slowing down. Spoiler alert: they are. Fact: At 105, Mrs. Simmons probably witnessed firsthand at least three versions of the same 'hot new diet' fad.
• Headline: Jamaica Mutuel Employees Vote Against Union. Impact: The rejection of the union at Jamaica Mutuel was pivotal in demonstrating that sometimes, people just want to keep their paycheck without the drama. This decision sent ripples through the labor movement, leading to the creation of the world's first 'No Drama' policy. Fact: In a shocking twist, employees voted against the union only after realizing it came with mandatory meetings.
• Headline: Eases Smoked Meats Rule. Impact: Easing the smoked meats rule led to a national crisis of overconsumption of bacon, sparking a bacon-themed reality show that ultimately caused the rise of veganism as a rebellion against the 'bacon craze'. Fact: If you think easing rules on smoked meats is a big deal, wait until you hear about the time they eased rules on chocolate.
• Headline: RE-EDUCATION HERE CALLED FIRST NEED; Dr. Meiklejohn Holds Plan for the Democratic Instruction of Reich 'Childish Arrogance'. Impact: Dr. Meiklejohn's call for re-education triggered a chain reaction of educational reforms that eventually led to the invention of the modern-day classroom. But instead of learning, students just learned how to text under their desks. Fact: Re-education plans always sound great until you realize they involve more homework.
• Headline: LEWIS BID TO A.F.L. CALLED UNITY STEP; Dubinsky and Zaritsky Hail Move as Marking Realignment of Labor Groups. Impact: Lewis' bid to unify labor groups prompted a series of power plays that made the political landscape look like a game of chess where all the pieces were just fighting for the last slice of pizza instead of checkmate. Fact: Unifying labor groups might sound like a good idea, but it’s almost as popular as a family reunion where everyone brings their emotional baggage.
• Headline: British Censors Cut But 1 Word in 10,000. Impact: The British censors cutting only one word in 10,000 was a monumental moment in media history. It showed that even censors have a sense of humor, albeit a very selective one that's more about control than clarity. Fact: In Britain, censorship is like a bad haircut: everyone knows it’s there, but no one wants to talk about it.
• Headline: Sees $40,000,000,000 Idle. Impact: The revelation of $40 billion in idle money triggered a nationwide scavenger hunt, with citizens racing to find where all that cash had gone. Spoiler: It was mostly just sitting around waiting for a good investment. Fact: With this much idle money, you could fund a lifetime supply of avocado toast for every millennial in the country.
• Headline: CHARLES W-STARLING; I Texas Republican Leader, OnceI. Impact: Charles W. Starling's rise in Texas politics led to a baffling trend where people began to think that being a Republican meant only wearing cowboy boots and insisting that everything is bigger in Texas, including the misconceptions. Fact: Texas Republicans are like a barbecue: everybody loves them until they try to explain politics.