APRIL 6, 1943

Full News Archive

• Headline: Boston Fish Strike and War Efforts. Impact: If the Boston fish strike hadn't happened, we might still be stuck eating nothing but bland tofu and kale, leading to a global obsession with quinoa instead of fish tacos. Thanks, fish strike!. Fact: Did you know that fish have been involved in labor disputes since before the invention of the internet? Their union meetings are notoriously fishy..
• Headline: Exploring 'The Little Prince' Release. Impact: Saint Exupéry's 'Little Prince' somehow inspires a future generation of children to question adult logic, leading to a series of existential crises and the eventual rise of hipster culture.. Fact: Did you know that the Little Prince is actually a metaphor for how much adults suck at understanding children? It’s a classic tale of 'grow up and lose your imagination.'.
• Headline: Tube Manufacturing Dispute Resolution. Impact: The tube dispute arbitration leads to the invention of the world's first public transportation therapy session, wherein commuters realize they have more in common than just their grievances.. Fact: Did you know that disputes over public transport have been around since the invention of the wheel? Just imagine the arguments between cavemen about who gets to ride first!.
• Headline: WLB STILL IS ALOOF ON COAL WAGE ROW; Conferences Here Resumed, With Steelman Confident of Reaching Agreement WLB STILL IS ALOOF ON COAL WAGE ROW. Impact: The WLB's aloofness in the coal wage row sparks a nationwide trend of ignoring workers’ rights, which ultimately leads to the invention of the phrase 'Can you not?' in workplace settings.. Fact: Did you know that if coal miners were given an ounce of respect back then, we might be using renewable energy sources by now? Instead, we just have endless meetings about meetings..
• Headline: MELLON ART LOAN TAKEN; House Votes to Accept Offer of $5,000,000 at 4%. Impact: The acceptance of the Mellon art loan leads to an unexpected renaissance of art appreciation, resulting in future generations mistaking paint splatters for profound statements.. Fact: Did you know that $5 million can buy a lot of mediocre art? We still haven’t figured out if that’s the point or just a happy accident..
• Headline: BENEFIT FOR INFIRMARY I; I Exhibition of Hair Fashions Will I Aid New York Institution I. Impact: The hair fashion exhibition raises awareness about the importance of hair care, inadvertently leading to a global revolution of hair salons and the eventual rise of the 'influencer' culture.. Fact: Did you know that hairdressers have more influence over society than politicians? At least they can make you look good while ruining your life decisions!.
• Headline: Puerto Rican Bills Passed. Impact: The passing of Puerto Rican bills leads to a bizarre alternate timeline where Puerto Ricans become the most sought-after travel companions for their unparalleled ability to spice up bland conversations.. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. has a love-hate relationship with Puerto Rico? It’s like the family member who’s invited to Thanksgiving but doesn’t get to choose the turkey..
• Headline: MISS ISABEL ROCKWELL. Impact: Isabel Rockwell’s rise to prominence opens up a series of events leading to future women breaking barriers in various fields, inadvertently leading to the invention of the term 'girl power' – though it’s still up for debate if that was a good thing.. Fact: Did you know that Isabel Rockwell could easily be the most interesting Rockwell? And that’s saying something considering the competition includes a painter and a few bland middle-aged men..