MARCH 17, 1943

Full News Archive

• Headline: Susan Satterwhite's Local Social Influence. Impact: Miss Susan Satterwhite's social prominence led to the creation of a secret society of overly polite New Yorkers, whose sole purpose was to critique each other's hats throughout history. This eventually led to the invention of the beret, which, as we know, caused a minor fashion crisis in the 1960s.. Fact: Did you know that social circles were once as exclusive as a secret club for people who only wear monocles?.
• Headline: Merchant Marine Library Seeks Book Donations. Impact: The plea for more books ignited a worldwide book-hoarding frenzy, leading to the Great Library Black Market of 1945. This underworld was so intense that even Shakespeare’s lost works became the stuff of legends, fueling conspiracy theories about his true identity.. Fact: It's funny how asking for books can lead to a dodgy trade network. Who knew libraries were just a front for the book mafia?.
• Headline: NAVY Reports Casualties in WWII. Impact: The listing of casualties revealed a shocking trend: every time someone went missing, a cat somewhere in the world gained the ability to predict the weather. This phenomenon led to the rise of the feline meteorologist, forever changing the way we interpret weather forecasts.. Fact: You know, missing persons reports seem to be the original way we discovered that cats are way smarter than we give them credit for..
• Headline: St. Francis Hospital Fete. Impact: The St. Francis Hospital Fete was a pivotal moment that inspired future hospital galas, leading to a competitive spirit among hospitals to out-fundraise each other. This competition resulted in the first-ever 'Battle of the Bake Sales' in 1963.. Fact: Fun fact: the term 'fete' has nothing to do with actual fetes and everything to do with trying to sound more cultured than you really are..
• Headline: News of Food; With Potato Shipments Running Short, Use of Substitutes May Be Worth While. Impact: The shortage of potatoes led to a culinary revolution that birthed the infamous 'Potato Substitute Society,' which still meets secretly to discuss recipes that no one actually wants to try. Their signature dish? Mashed cardboard.. Fact: Who knew that a potato shortage would lead to people experimenting with foods that taste like regret?.
• Headline: HORACE H. HERR. Impact: Horace H. Herr's life was so inspiring that it unwittingly started a movement where everyone named Horace suddenly felt the need to form a global support group. This has resulted in the most boring meetings in history.. Fact: Seriously, if your name is Horace, you might be destined for mediocrity!.
• Headline: Continental Can Gets Loan of $14,000,000. Impact: Continental Can’s $14 million loan was so impactful that it inspired a wave of businesses to seek loans for increasingly ridiculous ventures, culminating in the invention of the self-drying umbrella—because who needs common sense?. Fact: Ah, nothing says 'fiscal responsibility' like taking out a loan to produce a product that should never have existed!.
• Headline: Steel Companies Sold. Impact: The sale of steel companies was the catalyst for an underground steel collector's market, where people hoarded steel beams like they were rare Pokémon cards, leading to bizarre trade-offs in the construction industry.. Fact: Isn't it ironic? People once fought over steel like it was the last slice of pizza at a party. Spoiler: it wasn't..
• Headline: BURTON N. MacPHERSON. Impact: Burton N. MacPherson's name became synonymous with unremarkable bureaucratic processes, leading to an entire generation believing that if you had a name that sounded important, you could just coast through life without actually doing anything.. Fact: Burton N. MacPherson is the reason why so many people think their middle names should be 'N.' for 'Not Actually Interesting.'.