JANUARY 23, 1943

Full News Archive

• Headline: First Midyear Graduation at Engineering School. Impact: The presentation of these degrees led to a sudden surge of engineering graduates attempting to solve the world's problems, which ultimately resulted in a never-ending cycle of inventions that include the self-replicating toaster and the inflatable dartboard.. Fact: Columbia's Engineering School was so eager to graduate these students that they almost handed out diplomas with a side of fries..
• Headline: Fuel Coupon Changes and OPA Assistance. Impact: This coupon advancement sent shockwaves through the oil industry, leading to a nationwide conspiracy where gas station owners started hiding coupons under their desks, creating an underground fuel economy.. Fact: Because nothing says 'we care' like a coupon for a product that’s slowly being depleted while everyone else freezes in the dark..
• Headline: C Morley Poem Featured in Times. Impact: The mention of a poem in the Times inadvertently inspired a generation of aspiring poets, leading to the regrettable rise of coffee shop open mic nights filled with tortured souls reading their feelings about their cats.. Fact: If you ever wondered where all the bad poetry comes from, now you know: right here, likely inspired by this very article..
• Headline: $266,735 WAS LEFT BY GATTI-CASAZZA; Gross Estate Is Estimated in Accounting Filed Here -- Will Barred Music at Funeral. Impact: The decision to bar music at the funeral sparked a wave of silent funerals, which eventually led to the establishment of the 'Quiet Requiem' trend that swept through the upper class.. Fact: What a way to go out: ‘We’re going to honor him by making sure no one has any fun at his funeral.’.
• Headline: lV!S. MAIY C. WOODCOCK I. Impact: The mere mention of Mary C. Woodcock caused a ripple effect through namesakes everywhere, leading to an unfortunate increase in awkward introductions and name mispronunciations.. Fact: Being named 'Woodcock' must have been a real conversation starter. Or a conversation ender, depending on the crowd..
• Headline: Lindstrom to Be Alderman. Impact: Lindstrom's ascension to Alderman spurred a series of increasingly absurd local laws, including one that mandated all street signs must be interpreted as if they were written by a caffeinated squirrel.. Fact: Being an Alderman means you can finally fulfill your lifelong dream of making people ponder the meaning of life while stuck at a stoplight..
• Headline: SCHOOL SUPPLY UNIT IS SHIFTED BY BOARD; Other Changes Also Announced by Superintendent Wade. Impact: This shift resulted in an impressive domino effect of bureaucracy, leading to the invention of the 'paperclip committee' that ultimately stifled creativity in education for generations.. Fact: Because nothing says ‘innovative education’ like a committee dedicated to discussing the proper alignment of school supplies..
• Headline: REV. PLINY A. ALLEN; Pastor of North Adams, Mass., Church Headed Ministers Unit. Impact: Rev. Allen’s leadership sparked a movement that inadvertently led to a nationwide trend of naming church groups after obscure biblical figures, resulting in some very confusing church bulletins.. Fact: Being a pastor named Pliny must have been a great conversation starter at social gatherings—‘No, not the beer, I’m the pastor!’.
• Headline: Named by Mental Hygiene Unit. Impact: This selection marked the beginning of a long and convoluted journey towards mental health awareness, which eventually led to the popularization of therapy dogs, who now basically run the show.. Fact: You know things are serious when a unit dedicated to mental hygiene needs a PR team to explain that it’s not about scrubbing your brain..