DECEMBER 20, 1942

Full News Archive

• Headline: Solomon Indicted in Stirrup Pump Scheme. Impact: If Solomon had just taken up knitting instead of shakedown plots, the entire shakedown industry might have never bloomed. Instead, we have a legacy of pump-related scandals that will haunt future generations and inspire a wave of conspiracy theories about the secret lives of lawyers. Fact: Did you know that stirrup pumps are actually a metaphor for the legal profession? They both tend to pump a lot of hot air and sometimes leave you feeling drained.
• Headline: Miss Finn's Debut Performance at Carnegie Hall. Impact: Miss Finn's debut might have inspired a new trend of opera singers dressing as famous figures, leading to a bizarre fashion movement where everyone tries to channel their inner diva at the grocery store. Fact: Did you know that Jenny Lind was known as the 'Swedish Nightingale'? That’s right, even back then, they were trying to brand singers like they were products on a shelf.
• Headline: Bolivia Nips Plot Against Republic; Seizes Leftists in Tin Mine Area; BOLIVIA NIPS PLOT TO UNSEAT REGIME. Impact: Bolivia's swift action against the leftists likely inspired a whole genre of spy movies where the hero prevents a coup in the last fifteen minutes, proving once again that life can indeed imitate art, albeit poorly. Fact: Did you know that tin is often used in the production of foil hats? Coincidence? I think not.
• Headline: Stoessel Leads 'Messiah'. Impact: Stoessel leading 'Messiah' might have indirectly set the standard for all future holiday concerts, making sure that every year we endure the same three carols sung in increasingly elaborate ways. Fact: Did you know that 'Messiah' is often performed during the holidays? Apparently, singing about divine redemption is the best way to distract from holiday shopping stress.
• Headline: TO LIMIT SALES OF MEAT; San Francisco Trade and Union Agree on Noon to 6 P.M. Plan. Impact: This meat sales limitation would eventually lead to a black market for meat that inspired future generations of entrepreneurs to get creative with their barbecue techniques. Fact: Did you know that limiting meat sales in San Francisco was likely the precursor to veganism? Just think how many kale smoothies were born out of this decision!.
• Headline: Morocco Gets 'Gas' To Aid War Output. Impact: Allocating gasoline to Morocco might have inadvertently fueled the rise of the North African road trip, which is now the stuff of legends—or at least bad travel blogs. Fact: Did you know that Patton was not just a general but also a master of logistics? His efficiency could probably rival your local pizza delivery service.
• Headline: BANKNOTES OF '33 TO BE CIRCULATED; Federal Reserve Banks Revive $600,000,000 to Relieve the Bureau of Engraving BANKNOTES OF '33 TO BE CIRCULATED. Impact: Reviving the 1933 banknotes to alleviate pressure on the Bureau of Engraving might have kickstarted a trend of retro currency appreciation, sparking a collector's market that still thrives today. Fact: Did you know that banknotes can actually become collector's items? So, if you still have your childhood allowance tucked away, it might just be worth something one day!.
• Headline: FOE FLEES WAVELL; No Opposition Is Met as British Speed on New Road From India OTHER DRIVES EXPECTED Advance Is First Phase of an Offensive to Reopen Burma Highway to China FOE FLEES WAVELL IN BURMA INVASION. Impact: The allies bombing Rathedaung could have inadvertently inspired a series of action movies where every explosion is accompanied by an epic soundtrack, forever changing the cinematic landscape. Fact: Did you know that 'Foe flees Wavell' would make an excellent title for a spy novel? Talk about a plot twist!.