JULY 30, 1942

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Zinc Reduction Process Testing Begins. Impact: Little did they know that this zinc reduction plant would lead to a secret society of zinc enthusiasts who would eventually lobby for a national 'Zinc Appreciation Day'.. Fact: Zinc is great for your immune system, but no one really talks about how it also makes you a better conspiracy theorist..
• Headline: Books of the Times: A Global Perspective. Impact: The publication of 'Global War' inadvertently inspired a generation of armchair generals, leading to an uptick in basement war games and online debates.. Fact: The only global war that most people are prepared for is the one that happens during Black Friday sales..
• Headline: Grew Rejects Nomura Peace Negotiations. Impact: This refusal to parley set off a chain reaction where diplomats everywhere started to think that avoiding conversations was the best way to resolve conflicts, leading to a future full of awkward silences.. Fact: The word 'parley' has fallen out of favor, much like the actual act of talking things out..
• Headline: HOLDS A WAR PLANT CAN BAR NLRB MAN; Federal Judge in Dallas Rules Secrecy of Work Permits It to Refuse Data Too MILITARY NEEDS PUT FIRST Court Backs Agency's Right to Examine Books Otherwise -- Review Is Expected. Impact: This ruling led to an explosion in secret war production, which in turn inspired Hollywood to create a series of spy movies based on fictitious ‘War Plant’ locations—none of which were ever found.. Fact: The NLRB has never been involved in a movie plot, but it would definitely make for a riveting thriller..
• Headline: FIREMEN, ENLISTING, WIN PAY DIFFERENTIAL; Two Are Upheld by Appeals Court in Suit Against City. Impact: The legal victory for these firemen led to a new trend where every disgruntled employee started filing lawsuits over minor grievances, thus leading to the creation of the modern-day 'Complaint Department'.. Fact: Most complaints are like smoke alarms—going off at the most inconvenient times, and often ignored..
• Headline: DODGE IS RE-ELECTED; Heads Group for Religious Study on Released Time. Impact: Dodge's re-election led to the establishment of 'Religious Study Groups' in schools, which eventually evolved into 'How to Avoid Studying' seminars.. Fact: 'Released Time' sounds like a new-age meditation technique but is really just a clever excuse for students to skip class..
• Headline: PHILA; DELPHIA,. Impact: This brief mention of a person may have led to a trend of naming streets after no-name individuals, thus flooding towns with roads named after people no one remembers.. Fact: If street names could talk, they would probably complain about how underappreciated they are..
• Headline: SAROYAN PUT IN 1-A; Passes Physical Test but Will Ask Time to Produce Play. Impact: Saroyan's attempt to defer military service for art showed that creativity and dodging responsibility could go hand in hand, inspiring future generations of artists to find excuses to procrastinate.. Fact: The phrase 'the show must go on' was actually coined by someone trying to avoid their own responsibilities..
• Headline: CUBA SEEKS WAR UNITY; Parties Negotiate as Demand for New Policy Grows. Impact: Cuba's quest for war unity led to an eternal cycle of political negotiations that created more chaos than actual unity, leading to a world where everyone just agrees to disagree.. Fact: Negotiating in politics is like trying to herd cats—chaotic and ultimately futile..