MAY 22, 1942

Full News Archive

• Headline: Soviet-Iranian Forces Defeat Kurdish Insurgents. Impact: This joint military action may have led to a subtle shift in global alliances, eventually causing a butterfly effect that resulted in an awkward family reunion at a Thanksgiving dinner somewhere in the future.. Fact: The Kurds have been involved in more military actions than most reality TV stars have had seasons..
• Headline: Captain Mortimer R. Salmon Passes Away. Impact: Mortimer R. Salmon's untimely demise led to a nationwide panic about dental hygiene. Rumor has it, floss sales skyrocketed for a while.. Fact: Ironically, the Dental Corps was just as effective at saving lives as they were at creating phobias about the dentist..
• Headline: Vetoes Switchboard Police Bill. Impact: Vetoing the police bill may have led to the creation of a secret society of disgruntled communication operators plotting to take over the world one static-filled conversation at a time.. Fact: Vetoes are like the adult version of saying 'no' to a kid asking for candy—except the candy is public safety..
• Headline: Free French Tell of Problems. Impact: The Free French's struggles may have inspired a new genre of indie films about the trials of aspiring democracies, influencing future filmmakers to create a whole new wave of 'nobody understands us' cinema.. Fact: In case you were wondering, the Free French didn't get the memo that democracy is often just a glorified popularity contest..
• Headline: X CARDS ONLY 10%, PRESIDENT IS TOLD; One-third of All Gasoline Ration Books Were A, Henderson Reports NATIONAL SYSTEM URGED Brookings Institution Sees Tire Exhaustion by 1943 at Present Pace. Impact: If rationing had spiraled out of control, we might have seen a future where people traded gasoline like it was gold, leading to underground gas markets and a new wave of mobster movies.. Fact: Gasoline rationing: because who doesn't love the smell of scarcity in the morning?.
• Headline: W-INFIELD SWEET, MALIA EXPERT; Rockefeller Institute Aide, 50, Dies in Bolivia Where He Led Fight on Disease RECENTLY WORKED IN INDIA Authority, Also, on Hookworm Spent Many Years in China -- Johns Hopkins Alumnus. Impact: Winfield Sweet's work in disease control may have inadvertently influenced future public health policies, leading to a world where people actually wash their hands more than once a year.. Fact: Hookworms: the original party crashers of the human digestive system..
• Headline: UNION IS THREATENED; Lewis Aides May Revoke Charter of Local in Brooklyn. Impact: This threat could have led to a power struggle that prompted unions to create an entire reality show based on workplace drama—because who doesn't want to watch people fight over charters?. Fact: Unions threatening to revoke charters: the real-life soap opera we never knew we needed..
• Headline: '$.IES E. GIFFIN. Impact: The mysterious Giffin may have sparked future conspiracy theories, with historians debating whether he held the key to understanding the universe or just had really bad luck.. Fact: Every 'mysterious' name in history is just a reminder that not all heroes wear capes; some just disappear without a trace..