MARCH 12, 1942

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Jersey's Beach Lights Dimmed for Safety. Impact: If only New Jersey had dimmed its lights sooner, maybe aliens would have landed on the beach instead of probing farmers in Nebraska. Who knew a little light dimming could change the course of intergalactic diplomacy?. Fact: Beach dimming: the most action New Jersey's beaches have seen since someone tried to surf in January..
• Headline: Utilizing Idle Auto-Dealer Equipment in WWII. Impact: The idle tools could have been used for space travel, but instead, they just sat there, rusting away while humanity debated the merits of a fancy oil change.. Fact: 40,000 shops and still no one could figure out how to fix a broken government..
• Headline: Emir Abdullah Critiques Mufti el Husseini. Impact: Abdullah's scorn for the Mufti led to a series of unfortunate events that would ultimately influence diplomatic ties in the Middle East, proving once again that gossip has greater geopolitical consequences than actual treaties.. Fact: Scorn: the original form of political maneuvering, long before Twitter existed..
• Headline: Millions Use Short Blank For Income-Tax Returns. Impact: The use of simplified income tax forms inadvertently led to a massive increase in tax evasion, because if it's easy, it must be legal, right?. Fact: Millions using short forms means millions still have no clue what they're doing come tax season..
• Headline: LABOR 'MOBILIZES' IN RED CROSS DRIVE; $430,000 Raised So Far, With Quota of $1,000,000. Impact: The Red Cross drive mobilized so many workers that it created a ripple effect of generosity—leading to an unforeseen rise in bake sales and awkward community events, where no one actually knows how to bake.. Fact: $430,000 raised was basically a small fortune, but still not enough to buy a single decent cookie in New York City..
• Headline: BRITISH HIT AT SHIP; Tirpitz's Smoke Screen Hides Her as Torpedo Planes Attack NAVAL CRAFT JOIN CHASE Clash Is Believed to Mark the Start of Battle for Convoy Route to Russia THE TIRPITZ FLEES AS BRITISH ATTACK. Impact: The British attack on the Tirpitz marked the dawn of naval strategies that would go on to inspire every ‘epic’ battle scene in every pirate movie for decades to come.. Fact: 28 planes missing? Sounds like someone forgot to pack their parachutes for the ocean trip..
• Headline: TL,OS NAlitx ;b. Impact: TL,OS NAlitx;b remains one of history's greatest mysteries, leading conspiracy theorists to believe it was an ancient code for 'do not disturb.'. Fact: This headline is the perfect metaphor for how most of us feel trying to decipher our work emails..
• Headline: GERALD G. EVANS; Decorator Designed Woodwork for Valley Forge Memorial. Impact: Gerald G. Evans's work on the Valley Forge Memorial led to a newfound appreciation for decorators, proving that even history needs a good aesthetic touch.. Fact: Who knew the most dramatic battles in history would inspire such a well-decorated memorial? Talk about mixed messages..
• Headline: CROWLEY TO HOLD ALIENS' PROPERTY; President's Order Revives the Office of Custodian to Rule on Foreign Interests TREASURY KEEPS A SHARE It Will Retain Nominal Control of the $7,000,000,000 Funds It Has Immobilized. Impact: Reviving the Alien Property Custodian office introduced a bizarre chapter in U.S. history, where assets were frozen, and conspiracy theories ran rampant about aliens and their hidden treasures.. Fact: In the end, it was just a fancy term for ‘We’re holding your stuff hostage until we figure out what to do with it.’.