MARCH 2, 1942

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mrs. James W. Tuomey's Legacy. Impact: The mere mention of Mrs. James W. Tuomey in headlines might have inspired hundreds of other women to become 'Mrs. So-and-So,' leading to an endless loop of name changes throughout history.. Fact: In some circles, 'Mrs. James W. Tuomey' is still considered the most popular name for women who want to remain incognito..
• Headline: Response to World War II Urgency. Impact: The proclamation that 'THE CRISIS IS NOW' may have been the moment when people realized that crises, much like laundry day, are inevitable and best handled with a strong cup of coffee and a good Netflix binge.. Fact: In the grand timeline of crises, this one ranks just below 'running out of coffee' and just above 'that time my cat knocked over my coffee.'.
• Headline: ANGUS HOPKINS; Head of Machinery Firm Active in 7th Regiment 15 Years. Impact: Angus Hopkins' dedication to the 7th Regiment might have sparked a newfound appreciation for machinery, leading to a future where everyone is obsessed with DIY projects—thank you, Pinterest!. Fact: Hopkins probably invented three different ways to fix a leaky faucet before breakfast. Just think of what he could have achieved with more coffee!.
• Headline: Topics of The Times. Impact: Francis E. Gosling's insights in 'Topics of The Times' probably sent shockwaves through the media, making them realize that they should probably focus less on the news and more on cat videos.. Fact: In an alternate timeline, 'Topics of The Times' was just a series of essays on why cats are superior to dogs..
• Headline: Dean Riley of Toronto Calls on the Allies To Build City of Peace to Live Forever. Impact: Dean Riley's call for a 'City of Peace' may have inspired future urban planners to create more parks, leading to the inevitable rise of hipsters and artisanal coffee shops everywhere.. Fact: If a city of peace were built, it would probably become the world’s first 'no drama' zone, which would be a complete disaster for reality TV..
• Headline: DETROIT RIOT ISSUE PUT UP TO CAPITAL; Mayor Going to Washington on the Question of Negro Tenancy for Housing. Impact: The Detroit riot issue may have sparked a national conversation about housing that led to both progress and confusion, resulting in the establishment of housing committees that still argue about whose turn it is to take out the trash.. Fact: In the future, debates about housing will be as common as family dinners—everyone nods politely while secretly planning their escape..
• Headline: Abroad; The Perpetual Battlefield of France. Impact: McCormick's commentary on U.S.-Vichy relations might have inadvertently set off a series of diplomatic blunders that would make future diplomats cringe and reach for a bottle of aspirin.. Fact: If only McCormick had known that diplomatic relations are like dating; sometimes it's just better to ghost each other..
• Headline: Vassar Appoints Miss Heinlein. Impact: Miss Heinlein's appointment as a Drama Professor at Vassar probably set the stage for future generations of students to major in 'How to Act Like You’re Paying Attention' while actually scrolling through social media.. Fact: Legend has it that Heinlein was actually a time traveler herself, sent to ensure that the world never runs out of playwrights..
• Headline: THE THEATRE CANTEEN READY FOR SERVICE; Final Day of the Inspection Attracts 3,500 Visitors. Impact: The Theatre Canteen's readiness for service might have led to a future where theaters became the ultimate food courts, complete with popcorn-flavored everything and overpriced drinks.. Fact: The 3,500 visitors probably just came for the snacks and stayed for the drama—much like every family gathering ever..