DECEMBER 1, 1941

Full News Archive

• Headline: Murray Clarifies Political Stance. Impact: If J.F. Murray had just said he supported Hague, we might have had a different political landscape, resulting in a world where everyone had to wear togas and speak Latin. Just think about it—no more 'I voted for X' bumper stickers, but rather 'I wore the toga of Y!'. Fact: Did you know that denying support can actually lead to less drama in politics? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Legacy of Lawyer Alfred S. Weill. Impact: Alfred S. Weill's passing led to a shift in tax laws that would cause accountants to wear capes and call themselves 'Tax Avengers' in a desperate attempt to make taxes seem exciting. Spoiler alert: it didn't work.. Fact: Did you know that every year, thousands of lawyers die without ever being remembered as heroes? Alfred Weill would probably appreciate the irony in that..
• Headline: Festival of Nations Supports War Children. Impact: The Festival of Nations inspired a trend in global cuisine that resulted in the invention of fusion dishes like Sushi Tacos and Kimchi Burgers. Thanks a lot, world unity!. Fact: Did you know that 'AIDS War Children' sounds like a terrible band name? But hey, at least they were raising funds, right?.
• Headline: TO AID FREE FRENCH; Film of Indo-China Jungles to Open at the Normandie. Impact: The screening of this film motivated an entire generation to explore jungles, leading to a spike in tourism and a disconcerting number of people who think they can survive with just a backpack and a can of beans.. Fact: Did you know that 'Free French Relief' was not the name of a revolutionary new diet plan? Just to clarify!.
• Headline: HOUCK NAMES STARS TO GUIDE OUR DESTINY; Constellations of Bethlehem and David Seen Hope of World. Impact: If only the constellations of Bethlehem and David had actually guided our destinies, we might have avoided a lot of bad TV shows. But then again, the stars have always been terrible at forecasting jobs.. Fact: Did you know that the stars are just really, really hot balls of gas? Kind of like your uncle after a few too many drinks at family gatherings..
• Headline: EDWARD JOHNSON, REPORTER 58 YEARS; Btoomfield Correspondent of The Times Dies in Home There After Brief Mness. Impact: Edward Johnson's death meant a temporary halt in reporting, leading to a whole day of silence in the news which was quickly filled with gossip about cats and celebrity wardrobe malfunctions. Because priorities.. Fact: Did you know that reporters have feelings too? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: HARLOW SHAPLEY WINS PIUS XI PRIZE; Harvard Observatory Chief Receives Astronomy Award of Pontifical Academy SCIENTISTS' AID SOUGHT Pope Appeals to Them to Turn Their Talents to Peaceful Aims Rather Than War. Impact: Harlow Shapley winning the Pius XI Prize may have inspired scientists to think that awards could lead to world peace, which in turn led to a series of increasingly ridiculous award ceremonies where scientists wore tuxedos and bow ties.. Fact: Did you know that asking scientists to turn their talents to peaceful aims is like asking cats to stop knocking things off tables? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: SEEKS AUTOGRAPHS FOR GIFT TO QUEEN; Bundles for Britain Starts House-to-House Drive Today for Million Signatures. Impact: The autograph drive for the Queen was so successful that it inadvertently started a trend of celebrity autographs becoming the new currency, leading to a world where kids trade them like Pokémon cards.. Fact: Did you know that signatures from famous people can sometimes fetch more than actual money? Which is why everyone is suddenly trying to get a piece of that 'Queen Elizabeth' action!.
• Headline: ROOSEVELT SPUR TO HOUSING NEAR; He Is Expected to Appeal to Congress Chiefs in Behalf of Delayed Funds. Impact: Roosevelt's plea for housing funds led to an avalanche of 'affordable housing' initiatives that would eventually turn into reality TV shows where contestants built homes out of cardboard and duct tape. It was shockingly popular.. Fact: Did you know that appealing to Congress is like trying to convince cats to take a bath? Good luck with that!.