AUGUST 9, 1941

Full News Archive

• Headline: Safeway's Innovative Financing Strategy. Impact: The sale of debentures at Safeway led to a chain reaction where every grocery store started selling overpriced organic avocados, resulting in the modern hipster brunch culture. Thanks, Safeway!. Fact: Did you know that the actual 'bank loan' was just a loan shark named Tony who really wanted a discount on his groceries?.
• Headline: Skeet Tournament Ends in Ten-Way Tie. Impact: This skeet tournament sparked a nationwide obsession with shooting sports, leading to the invention of the first self-loading coffee machine—because nothing pairs better with a shotgun than a cup of joe.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing harder than hitting a clay target is the hangover after the victory celebration..
• Headline: For Inter-League Competition. Impact: Asking for more inter-league games led to the eventual creation of the 'World Series of Fishing,' which has since confused millions about what constitutes 'worldwide competition.'. Fact: Did you know that 'inter-league' was actually just a code word for 'let's argue about which league is better'?.
• Headline: Guffey Heads Democratic Group. Impact: Guffey's rise to chair of the Democratic group set off a series of events that led to the now-famous 'Dancing Senators' trend, which has inspired more memes than actual legislation.. Fact: Did you know that Guffey was actually elected after doing the worm across the Senate floor?.
• Headline: PAYS FOR 100-MILE SPEED; Man Escapes From Policeman but Loses His License. Impact: The motorcyclist's chase became the inspiration for a series of action movies, where the hero always escapes with a dramatic wheelie—because realism is overrated.. Fact: Did you know that the motorcyclist’s license was revoked, but he still insists he’s just practicing for his future career as a stunt double?.
• Headline: BUCYRUS-ERIE EARNINGS; $1,074,530 Cleared in the First Half of This Year. Impact: Bucyrus-Erie's earnings report paved the way for financial analysts to invent the phrase 'financial rocket science,' which remains a mystery to this day.. Fact: Did you know that $1,074,530 is also the estimated cost of therapy for all the investors who didn’t see this coming?.
• Headline: British Set Back Clock One Hour Tomorrow. Impact: Setting back the clock led to generations of people questioning why they have to wake up an hour earlier for work, resulting in the invention of coffee shops everywhere, which are basically modern-day temples.. Fact: Did you know that the British setting back the clock is just their way of gaining an extra hour of complaining about the weather?.
• Headline: HODSON UPHOLDS OUTLAY; Says $6,000 Salary to E.B. Butler From Relief Funds Is Legal. Impact: Hodson's ruling made it okay to pay people with relief funds, which eventually spiraled into the modern gig economy—because who doesn’t want to feel relief while working for peanuts?. Fact: Did you know that Hodson's approval was actually just a way to keep the local coffee shop open with that sweet, sweet government funding?.
• Headline: MOTORS CONCERN GAINS; Continental Cleared $1,224,129 in 6 Months Ended on April 30 $5,635,680 EARNED BY DAIRY PRODUCTS. Impact: Continental Motors' hefty earnings report had a butterfly effect that led to the rise of fancy car logos, which now dominate every teenager's bedroom wall.. Fact: Did you know that $5,635,680 earned by dairy products is also approximately how much my lactose intolerance has cost me in regrettable decisions?.