AUGUST 8, 1941

Full News Archive

• Headline: Legacy of John H. Wilkinson. Impact: With Wilkinson's steadfast reign as Chief Clerk, one can only imagine how many paper jams and bureaucratic snafus were avoided. If he hadn’t been there, we might be living in a world where court documents were hand-delivered by carrier pigeon!. Fact: Wilkinson probably had more stamps on his office door than a post office. Talk about a guy who knew how to 'deliver'!.
• Headline: Poll for Broader War Sentiment. Impact: This poll was likely the first step in a series of increasingly absurd public opinions that eventually led to the 'Broader War' being the hottest topic on social media. Thanks for that, everyone!. Fact: Polls are just fancy ways of asking, 'So, what do you think we should ignore next?'.
• Headline: LIBERTY ISLE IDEA IRKS MR. CURRAN; He Insists 'Jimmy' Wadsworth Aid in Keeping Present Name of Immigration Station. Impact: Curran’s insistence on keeping the name 'Liberty Isle' probably prevented a wave of confusion when tourists mistook it for a new theme park. Imagine the rides dedicated to freedom!. Fact: Rebranding is hard. If only Curran had known about the power of hashtags, we could've hashtagged our way to a new name!.
• Headline: Full Aid to Russia Urged; Past Events Notwithstanding, She Is Now Viewed as Bulwark for Us. Impact: Urging aid to Russia during this period set the stage for decades of complicated relations, leading to a Cold War that was anything but cool. Thanks for the heated debates, folks!. Fact: The only thing colder than the Cold War? The reception Russia gave the U.S. in subsequent decades!.
• Headline: NAZIS PUSHED BACK; Moscow Reports Gains as Mammoth Tanks Smash Invaders. Impact: The pushback of the Nazis at Smolensk was just the beginning of a series of military blunders that led to their grand exit from history. If only they had invested in a decent map!. Fact: Mammoth tanks smashing invaders sounds like a bad B-movie plot, but it was just another day at the Eastern Front!.
• Headline: B. WEST TABB; Vice President of University of Richmond Dies Aboard Liner. Impact: Tabb’s untimely death aboard a liner likely led to a series of unfortunate events that resulted in the university needing to hire a new vice president. Because, you know, life waits for no one!. Fact: Rumor has it that Tabb was just trying to escape the bureaucracy of academia. Spoiler alert: He didn’t make it!.
• Headline: ENTRY MARK SET IN BRIDGE EVENTS; 72 Pairs and 22 Teams of Four Start in Masters Play in National Tournament. Impact: Setting entry marks in bridge events could have inspired a new generation of competitive card players, leading to the rise of bridge-themed reality TV. Get ready for 'Real Housewives of the Bridge Table'!. Fact: Bridge: the only game where you can lose your friends over a disagreement about trump cards. Fun times!.
• Headline: Olson to Pilot Chattanooga. Impact: Olson's appointment as club manager could have been the catalyst for Chattanooga’s rise in Southern Association fame—or just another way to ensure that the coffee was always strong and the donuts fresh. Fact: If managing a sports team were a reality show, Olson would definitely have the best confessionals!.
• Headline: BILL WINS BY 45-30; Monthly $10 Pay Raise Approved 39-34, Upsets Administration Plans. Impact: That monthly pay raise was a small victory, but it probably led to wild expectations among workers everywhere. Now everyone wants a raise every time they do their job, how dare they!. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, a $10 raise is like a sprinkle on a sundae—nice, but is it enough to really change your life?.