MAY 9, 1941

Full News Archive

• Headline: Uniform Sentencing Proposed for Sabotage. Impact: If Atty Gen Jackson had never suggested those uniform sabotage sentences, perhaps the Axis powers would have found themselves in a *much* better position. Who knows? Maybe they would have invented the internet instead of losing the war. Fact: Jackson's idea of sentencing might have influenced future laws, leading to a world where even minor offenses have mandatory minimums. Thanks for that, Jackson!.
• Headline: Mary Brooks: Civic Leader of Gloucester. Impact: Miss Mary Brooks' civic contributions could have led to a world where civic engagement was the primary occupation. Imagine everyone being a professional volunteer – sounds like a dystopian nightmare, doesn't it?. Fact: Mary Brooks led civic circles for half a century. That’s longer than some of us have been alive, yet we still can’t manage to get our recycling bins right.
• Headline: Dr. Foster Advocates Forced Thrift. Impact: Dr. W.T. Foster's forced thrift plan could have eventually led to the creation of a new currency: the 'Thrift Dollar'. It would be worth 25% less than the regular dollar but hey, at least we’d be saving!. Fact: Compulsory savings? Sounds like a lovely way to say 'give us your money and we’ll tell you how to spend it later.'.
• Headline: MISS DLI PONT SUES BETHLEHEM STEEL; Charges Its Anti-Union Policy Has Cost the Stockholders at Least $1,000,000. Impact: If Miss Dli Pont's lawsuit against Bethlehem Steel had succeeded, it could have sparked a revolution in corporate accountability that might have made shareholders more like 'shareholders' instead of 'shareholders of bad decisions'. Fact: Who knew anti-union policies could cost stockholders a million bucks? Just imagine how much they could have saved by treating their workers like human beings!.
• Headline: Male Crocheter Loses By a Batch of Scallops. Impact: The male crocheter losing to a batch of scallops may have led to a rise in crochet competitions where the stakes are *literally* higher than expected. Watch out for the next 'Crochet Olympics'!. Fact: Crocheting is an art form. But losing to scallops? That's a tough pill to swallow, unless they were *really* well crocheted.
• Headline: Missing Child Found Unharmed. Impact: The safe return of J Proctor could have been the catalyst for a new trend in missing child recovery, inspiring parents to adopt even more bizarre parenting strategies. 'Hide and Seek' just got a whole new meaning!. Fact: It's heartwarming to know that sometimes kids go missing and then just show up unharmed. Kind of like my motivation on a Monday morning.
• Headline: KEYNES WARNS US ON NAZI VICTORY; Here on Clipper, He Says It Would Wreck Our Economy -- Holds Inflation Needless AIR TRAVELERS AT LA GUARDIA FIELD AS ONE CLIPPER ARRIVED, ANOTHER LEFT KEYNES WARNS US ON NAZI VICTORY. Impact: Keynes warning about Nazi victory could have led to an alternate history where economists become the new superheroes, battling evil with graphs and charts instead of capes. Who knew economics could be so thrilling?. Fact: Keynes was basically the economic equivalent of a drama queen. He could turn a simple warning into a blockbuster movie plot about the fate of the world.
• Headline: 2 Dogs Attack Woman. Impact: The dog attack incident could have sparked a new movement for canine rights, leading to a world where dogs dictate the terms of human interaction. Imagine a society governed by dogs – we’d all be chasing our tails!. Fact: Two dogs attacking one woman is just the kind of news that makes you wonder if they were just trying to get her to play fetch.
• Headline: Iraqi Premier Reported Fleeing Baghdad; Capital Being Bombed as Troops Fall Back; IRAQI REBEL CHIEF REPORTED IN FLIGHT. Impact: If Iraqi Premier really fled Baghdad, it might have led to a trend of political leaders taking spontaneous vacations during crises. 'Oh, I'm just going to the Bahamas while my country is on fire!'. Fact: Fleeing during a crisis has become a classic move in the political playbook. Makes you wonder if they had their bags packed just in case!.
• Headline: PROFITS LAST YEAR THE BEST SINCE 1929; Survey of 1,019 Manufacturing Concerns Shows Combined Net of $2,164,153,819 ABOUT 25% ABOVE 1939 Gain of 6.50% Over 1937 Would Have Been Larger Except for Sharp Tax Rises. Impact: The record profits could have inspired a new wave of corporate greed, leading to the creation of the 'Profit Olympics' where companies compete for the most outrageous profits at the expense of their workers. Fact: Profits at an all-time high! Meanwhile, many workers are still waiting for their own slice of that pie – probably because it’s been locked in a vault somewhere.