MARCH 28, 1941

Full News Archive

• Headline: Siboney Incident: Delayed Journey at Lisbon. Impact: If the SIBONEY had not delayed, perhaps the crew would have been seized by time-traveling pirates, leading to a worldwide shortage of rum. The Great Rum Crisis of 1942 could have reshaped Caribbean trade routes forever!. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'time is money' was coined by a guy who was late to every meeting? Clearly, he didn't travel by SIBONEY..
• Headline: Massive Defense Strikes Impact War Production. Impact: The 39,600 C.I.O. members striking could have inadvertently led to a nationwide dance-off, revolutionizing labor negotiations into a series of cha-cha contests rather than boring meetings. Who knew labor disputes could have such rhythm?. Fact: The last time the OPM had this many strikes, they accidentally invented a new dance craze. It's called the 'Labor Shuffle'—and it's still not popular..
• Headline: Vichy Regime Releases Leftist Politicians. Impact: The release of leftists under surveillance could have sparked a secret society of intellectuals who would later invent the hipster movement. Imagine a world where beards and coffee shops never existed because people were too busy debating philosophy!. Fact: Fun fact: 'leftist' used to mean someone who sat to the left of the fireplace. Now it means someone who refuses to use anything but organic, fair-trade coffee..
• Headline: 76,000 WAR PRISONERS FREED, FRENCH LEARN; 'Furloughed' Farmers and Those Interned by Swiss Included. Impact: The liberation of 76,000 war prisoners may have inspired a new trend in prisoner fashion. 'Furloughed chic' could have led to a line of clothing that became the hottest style in Paris!. Fact: 76,000 people is roughly the population of a small town. Think of all the reunions that were awkwardly avoided because, you know, we were at war!.
• Headline: LEHMAN REQUESTS FUNDS FOR DEFENSE; Citing Danger to Arsenals, He Asks $420,000 for Guards, $1,000,000 for Emergency REPUBLICANS DISDAINFUL Indicate They Will Reject Plea on Ground That It Calls for a 'Blank Check'. Impact: Lehman’s request for funds could have inadvertently led to a massive government bake sale. Imagine the chaos of cookie negotiations instead of defense budgets!. Fact: A 'blank check' is what most people write to themselves on payday, only to be disappointed when reality hits the bank account..
• Headline: Army Calls Long Beach Judge. Impact: Army calling a Long Beach judge could have launched a new reality show: 'Judges in Combat'. Who knew courtrooms could be so explosive?. Fact: Fun fact: Judges have a secret handshake that involves a gavel and a very stern look. It's as intimidating as it sounds..
• Headline: BRUMBAUGH NAMED COACH; Bears' Backfield Mentor to Aid Myers at Boston College. Impact: Brumbaugh being named coach could have sparked a nationwide obsession with backfield mentoring, leading to a cultural phenomenon where everyone suddenly wanted to be a coach for everything—like coaching your pet goldfish.. Fact: The only thing more inflated than a football player's ego is a football coach's salary. Just a fun observation!.
• Headline: Text of Jackson Address on Legal Basis of United States Defense Course. Impact: Jackson's address could have sparked a revolution in legal education, leading to the creation of 'Legal Defense Boot Camps'. Who wouldn’t want to defend their case while doing push-ups?. Fact: The legal basis of anything is just as confusing as trying to explain why your cat knocked over your coffee cup. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Many Cities Are Making Better Showing In Collecting Current Taxes and Arrears. Impact: Cities improving tax collection could have inadvertently led to a mass migration of delinquent taxpayers to the moon, creating a lunar black market for unpaid taxes.. Fact: Tax collectors are basically the real-life superheroes we never asked for—fighting financial crime one form at a time..