DECEMBER 30, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Defending Employment Solutions for 1941. Impact: The call for job creation by Miss Perkins sparked a worldwide trend of meetings that accomplished absolutely nothing. This spiraled into the global phenomenon of conference calls that nobody wants to be on.. Fact: Did you know that 'idle hands are the devil's workshop'? Well, Miss Perkins might want to ask the devil for a job, because those hands aren't getting anything done!.
• Headline: Thai Army's Border Victories Reported. Impact: Thailand's military victories led to an endless cycle of military coups in the region, ultimately resulting in the establishment of a new Olympic sport: synchronized coups. It’s all the rage now!. Fact: Did you know that the Sino-Japanese conflict has been described as hopeless? Much like trying to get your cat to take a bath; persistent and ultimately futile!.
• Headline: NEW YEAR'S HOPES VOICED IN PULPITS; Clergymen Review Mistakes of the Dying Period and Urge New Faith in Future SPIRITUAL REVIVAL ASKED Only by Return to Teachings of Christ Can World Be Saved, it Is Asserted. Impact: The clergymen's New Year's hopes triggered a worldwide surge in self-help books that promised to bring enlightenment. Spoiler alert: they mostly just filled thrift store shelves.. Fact: Did you know that New Year’s resolutions are just annual reminders of how badly we procrastinate? It’s like a holiday dedicated to disappointment!.
• Headline: Spiritual Appraisal of World Today Asked By Dr. Buttrick to Avoid Yesterday's Errors. Impact: Dr. Buttrick's sermon on avoiding past errors inspired countless people to make the same mistakes repeatedly, just with a fancier vocabulary. History truly does repeat itself, just with better branding.. Fact: Did you know that spiritual appraisals were once a thing? Now, we just scroll through social media to see how everyone else is failing miserably!.
• Headline: Opening of 11th Ave. Is Hailed by Isaacs As Last Important Grade-Crossing Step. Impact: The opening of 11th Ave. marked a significant moment in urban planning, leading to the invention of bumper stickers that read 'I Brake for Viaducts', forever changing road trip conversations.. Fact: Did you know that grade-crossing accidents were once a bigger deal? Now we just call them 'daily life in the city'..
• Headline: MANNING ASKS AID FOR BRITAIN NOW; Help 'Without Stint or Limit,' He Says, Is Need for 'Sake of All the World'. Impact: Bishop Manning’s plea for aid created a ripple effect that caused churches worldwide to host more bake sales than ever before, leading to an unprecedented rise in calorie consumption.. Fact: Did you know that asking for help without limit is a great way to get free advice? It’s like opening Pandora's box, but with more casseroles..
• Headline: BATTLE IN ATLANTIC; CRUISER HIT AND SHIP SUNK IN ATLANTIC SEA FIGHT. Impact: The Atlantic battle led to a legendary sea shanty that no sailor would dare admit to singing in public, thus ensuring that naval battles would forever be accompanied by bad karaoke.. Fact: Did you know that ships sinking is a great way to get a movie deal? Just ask any director looking for a dramatic plot twist!.
• Headline: Body Found in Hudson River. Impact: The discovery of a body in the Hudson River sparked a series of true crime podcasts that would eventually lead to the current obsession with unsolved mysteries. Some would say we have a body to thank for the 'Serial' craze.. Fact: Did you know that finding bodies in rivers is a classic trope? And here we thought it only happened in detective novels!.