NOVEMBER 26, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Skilled Workers for Defense Industries. Impact: The sudden availability of 218,000 skilled workers led to a shortage of coffee breaks, resulting in the world's first coffee crisis. People began hoarding coffee, leading to a future where caffeine was the new currency.. Fact: If only those 218,000 workers knew that their skills would someday be required to fix printers and troubleshoot Wi-Fi connections..
• Headline: Nazi Pact Developments in Eastern Europe. Impact: The 'Axis Pact' closing without Bulgaria triggered a series of unfortunate events that eventually caused the invention of the 'Bulgaria is Not Invited' party game, played worldwide today.. Fact: Bulgaria’s last-minute decision not to join the pact made it the ultimate 'not invited' at the Axis party..
• Headline: High Court to Hear Fashion Guild Case. Impact: The High Court's decision led to a fashion revolution where hats were suddenly deemed too dangerous, resulting in a world where everyone wore helmets instead. Thanks, Supreme Court!. Fact: The FTC should really have focused on more pressing fashion issues, like the resurgence of the fanny pack..
• Headline: RIVAL COACHES TALK ON BATTLE OF BRONX; Tell Writers Fordham-N.Y.U. Game Is Unpredictable. Impact: The unpredictable Fordham-N.Y.U. game sparked a rivalry so intense that it inspired future reality TV shows about college sports, eventually leading to the Kardashians of college football.. Fact: Because nothing screams unpredictability like two teams trying to outscore each other while wearing matching uniforms..
• Headline: Confirms 15 Draft Directors. Impact: The confirmation of 15 draft directors led to the creation of a secret society known as the 'Draft Directors Club', where members would play poker and discuss the art of dodging drafts.. Fact: Being a draft director is just another term for 'professional life coach for avoiding responsibility.'.
• Headline: ALL U.S. RESOURCES FOR BRITAIN URGED; White Committee, Fearing Our Involvement, Asks Repeal of Curbs on Help MORE SHIPS ARE SOUGHT Cooperation in Pacific and Embargo on Japan Held Vital to Saving Democracy Roosevelt Asked to Call Parley Human Freedom Seen in Balance Supplying Ships Urged Firm Pacific Policy Called Vital. Impact: The urgent plea for U.S. resources for Britain set off a chain reaction leading to future generations of Americans hoarding supplies, resulting in the infamous 'Toilet Paper Crisis of 2020.'. Fact: Because who knew that sending a few ships would lead to an endless supply of memes about hoarding toilet paper?.
• Headline: Named by Dies, Discharged. Impact: Schmitt’s discharge from his position led to a butterfly effect of discharges that would eventually encourage a generation of people to start their own businesses, leading to an influx of questionable startups.. Fact: Schmitt was last seen trying to turn his discharge into a motivational poster. Spoiler: it didn't sell well..
• Headline: State Bankers Study Problems. Impact: The bankers’ conference on current problems led to a long debate about whether they should invest in stocks or simply start investing in coffee shops, because who doesn’t need more caffeine?. Fact: When bankers study problems, are they really just trying to figure out how to make more money off of our money?.