NOVEMBER 12, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Half Million Raised for War Ambulances. Impact: The half-million raised for war ambulances led to the invention of the modern Uber, where instead of a car, you got a soldier with a stretcher. Who knew the battlefield would inspire ride-sharing?. Fact: If only the British-American Corps had also invented a way to transport snacks to the front line. Hunger is a serious distraction in war!.
• Headline: Cornerstone Laid at Clark Home Site. Impact: The laying of the cornerstone at the Clark Home site sparked a nationwide trend of people laying cornerstones for everything—homes, schools, and even fast food joints. Because why not start every project with a dramatic ceremony?. Fact: Cornerstone laying is the original excuse for a block party. Everyone loves a good gossip while watching stone get placed!.
• Headline: Federal Employment Reaches New High. Impact: Federal employment hitting a new record means the government is one step closer to becoming the world's largest job fair, where the only thing more common than resumes is despair. Fact: 1,058,596 federal employees? That's like a small country! How's that for a government takeover?.
• Headline: 3 CHOSEN TO HEAD UNITS AT COLUMBIA; NEW DEPARTMENT HEADS AT COLUMBIA. Impact: The appointment of new department heads at Columbia ignited a chain reaction of academic bickering that would eventually lead to the invention of tenure—a sacred rite of passage for any professor wishing to avoid actual work. Fact: Department heads are like cat herders, only with more paperwork and fewer adorable kittens.
• Headline: College Professors to Meet. Impact: The meeting of college professors was the first step towards the creation of the academic conference, where experts can gather to discuss how to write papers no one will read but feel very important doing it. Fact: College professors meeting is just a fancy way of saying 'let's argue about things no one cares about over coffee.'.
• Headline: V.F.W. HEAD ASKS UNITY FOR DEFENSE; Commander Carey, at Exercises in Central Park, Tells of Fight for Preparedness 3,000 MARCH IN PARADE 20 Other Patriotic Groups Share in Observance--Civil War Veteran Speaker. Impact: Commander Carey's plea for unity in defense sparked a movement that lasted decades—until the next big parade, which would inevitably lead to more division over who had the best float. Fact: 3,000 marchers and a Civil War veteran? It’s the only parade where you can feel both inspired and like you need a nap simultaneously.
• Headline: CELEBRATIONS IN SUFFOLK; Parades and Ceremonies Staged in Observance of Day. Impact: Celebrations in Suffolk brought communities together, setting the precedent for future parades, where everyone pretends to enjoy being squished between people while waiting for the candy toss. Fact: Celebrations in Suffolk: the original 'let’s get together and pretend we like each other' event since time immemorial.
• Headline: IRISH PRIMATE IS NAMED; Rev. Dr. John McQuaid Succeeds Archbishop Byrne in Dublin. Impact: Rev. Dr. John McQuaid's appointment as Irish Primate became a pivotal moment leading to countless discussions on religious authority that would eventually bore everyone to tears—except for maybe the trivia buffs. Fact: Naming a new Primate in Dublin is just like naming a new CEO—lots of pomp, but in the end, a different face on the same old policies!.