OCTOBER 24, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: German Air Raids Target Midlands Industries. Impact: This bombing campaign led to a sudden spike in British tea consumption, as the populace believed that every cup might be their last. This unintentional caffeine-fueled productivity boost contributed to post-war industrial innovation, ultimately resulting in the invention of the espresso machine. Who knew war could lead to such perkiness?. Fact: Despite the chaos, Londoners still managed to complain about the weather. Nothing like a good bombing to remind you that rain is the real enemy.
• Headline: Spain Arrests Carol and Associates. Impact: The arrest of Carol and her friends sparked a minor trend of royal wannabes attempting to flee to Spain. This led to the creation of a new reality show: 'Ex-Kings and Queens: Where Are They Now?' Spoiler: They’re mostly just in Spain, sipping sangria and avoiding extradition. Fact: The ex-king's friends were so loyal they considered getting matching tattoos that read 'No Extradition, No Problem.'.
• Headline: Jehovah's Witness Gets 4 Years. Impact: This assault conviction inadvertently inspired a wave of protests for religious freedom, leading to the creation of the 'Four-Year-Long Grudge' award, which is still handed out every year to the most unjustly treated Jehovah's Witness. Fact: E Bobb’s four-year sentence is ironically recognized as the longest time served for someone who claimed to just be 'spreading the word.'.
• Headline: U.S WILL DISPATCH AIR REINFORCEMENT TO THE PHILIPPINES; Two Fighter Squadrons Will Leave Immediately From American Fields NUMBER INVOLVED SECRET Knox Says We Will Defend All Territory Under Flag, but Denies Naval Moves Army Force in Field U.S. TO STRENGTHEN AIR FORCE IN EAST Plane Shipment Added Conference in Philippines Japan Charges Politics. Impact: The dispatch of air reinforcements to the Philippines was like sending in the cavalry—if the cavalry arrived in flip-flops and sunscreen. This resulted in a long-standing tradition of beach parties for U.S. troops, which would eventually inspire the concept of 'R&R' vacations. Fact: The two fighter squadrons were actually just the front for a surprise vacation; they were really there to check out the local beaches and perfect their tan lines.
• Headline: Boiler Makers Back Roosevelt. Impact: Roosevelt's backing by boiler makers set a precedent for future politicians to pander to various blue-collar workers, leading to a long-standing tradition of politicians showing up in hard hats and pretending they know how to fix things. Fact: Boiler makers quickly became the unofficial barometers of political success. If they liked you, you were golden; if they didn't, well, good luck with your campaign!.
• Headline: LANZETTA WINS RECOUNT; Victor Over Marcantonio Has More Votes Than Before. Impact: Lanzetta's win over Marcantonio led to a major uptick in recount-related conspiracies, which eventually led to the establishment of the 'Recount Olympics,' where states compete by recounting votes in the most absurd ways possible. Fact: After the recount, Lanzetta reportedly celebrated by ordering a pizza with extra slices—because who doesn’t love a good recount when it comes to food?.
• Headline: SHIPPING AND MAILS. Impact: The arrival of shipping and mails from Bermuda sparked a bizarre trend of people sending postcards from exotic locations in hopes of being invited to fancy parties, eventually leading to the rise of social media influencers—who didn’t even need to leave their couch. Fact: The only thing more exciting than mail from Bermuda was the local gossip about who actually sent it, which was often just as thrilling as the mail itself.