SEPTEMBER 12, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ford Endorses Willkie for Economic Revival. Impact: Ford's endorsement of Willkie led to a bizarre chain reaction where every car manufactured since then has a hidden compartment for storing political pamphlets. Who knew a car could be so opinionated?. Fact: Did you know that Ford once tried to replace all traffic lights with giant billboards promoting Willkie? Thankfully, the idea was deemed a traffic hazard..
• Headline: Miss Marion Martin's Advice to Republicans. Impact: Marion Martin's pep talk had an unintended consequence: a nationwide movement to ignore all criticism, resulting in a generation of feedback-averse individuals who still refuse to acknowledge the existence of Yelp.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Keep Chins Up' was later adopted as the unofficial slogan for all self-help books written in the 21st century..
• Headline: Arctic Chill Grips the Nation. Impact: The cool wave from the Arctic eventually inspired the invention of air conditioning, which then led to the rise of 'stay indoors and binge-watch' culture. Thanks, Arctic!. Fact: Did you know that the cool wave was actually just a giant fan blowing from Canada? Pity it didn't blow away the awkwardness of family gatherings..
• Headline: Light Quake Recorded in Canada. Impact: The light quake recorded in Canada sparked an influx of hipster coffee shops that proudly displayed their 'quake-inspired' menus. Who knew tremors could influence latte art?. Fact: Did you know that the earthquake was so minor, it only registered on the Richter scale as 'an annoying vibration'? Not exactly the drama we were hoping for..
• Headline: JAPANESE WOO SOVIET; Rightist Press Welcomes Idea of Rapprochement as a Safeguard. Impact: The Japanese wooing the Soviets led to a series of awkward diplomatic dinners where sushi was served alongside borscht, creating a culinary fusion that was a total flop. No one wants to talk about the 'sushi borscht' incident.. Fact: Did you know that this 'friendship' was so successful it gave rise to the phrase, 'better together, but not on the same plate'?.
• Headline: Norman Thomas Escapes in Fire. Impact: Norman Thomas escaping a fire led to the establishment of fire drills in hotels worldwide. Thank you, Norman, for ensuring future guests would know the quickest exit route—unless they were too busy tweeting about it.. Fact: Did you know that after this incident, hotel fire safety regulations became so complex that even a fire marshal needed a degree in engineering to understand them?.
• Headline: Present Tides Give Nazis Advantage for Invasion. Impact: The Nazis' tidal advantage gave them the confidence to start a podcast series called 'Tide Podcasters', which promptly failed when they had to explain how tides work.. Fact: Did you know that high tides also brought in a wave of puns about surfing, which sadly never caught on? Talk about a missed opportunity!.
• Headline: Italians Build Up Willkie As More Doubtful Evil. Impact: The Italian press's portrayal of Willkie as an isolationist led to a bizarre butterfly effect where countless Italian grandmothers started sending him unsolicited lasagna recipes, thinking he needed comfort food.. Fact: Did you know that Willkie never tasted lasagna until his presidency? He claimed it was a 'cultural awakening' but really just a way to avoid answering questions..
• Headline: Murder Ring Fugitive Seeks Haven in Church; 'Trigger Man' Hysterical in Fear of Killers; GUNMAN SEEKS REFUGE IN CHURCH. Impact: The gunman seeking refuge in a church led to a surge in crime dramas where churches became the go-to hiding spots, and viewers were left wondering if they should take up knitting or criminal law.. Fact: Did you know that the church had to start offering 'crime drama seminars' to cope with the influx of wannabe detectives looking for clues in the pews?.