SEPTEMBER 10, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senate Debate on Draft Age Limits. Impact: The Senate's refusal to delay the draft call led to a sudden surge in questionable haircuts among young men across the nation, as they frantically tried to look presentable for the inevitable draft notice. This obsession with 'the look' would eventually give rise to the 1950s pompadour, altering the course of American fashion forever. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'ballyhoo' was once considered a serious political term? Nowadays, we just use it to describe the noise at a bad carnival.
• Headline: T.A. Hill Appointed to NYA Division. Impact: T.A. Hill's appointment to the NYA post sparked a secret society of influential Negro leaders, who met in basements to plot the future of civil rights. Little did they know, they were unwittingly laying the groundwork for future generations of activists. Fact: T.A. Hill once tried to teach a fish to climb a tree. Spoiler: it didn't go well.
• Headline: Paraguay Honors President Estigarribia. Impact: The burial of President Estigarriba in the National Pantheon ignited a nationwide obsession with elaborate funerals, leading to the rise of extravagant burial practices that would influence even the most mundane of send-offs, like your aunt's annual 'best funeral' contest. Fact: The National Pantheon is not to be confused with your average pantheon; they don't accept just any old deity—only the best of the best get a spot.
• Headline: FOR PRESIDENTIAL LIMIT; Dr. Schurman, Father La Farge Testify at Senate Hearing. Impact: Dr. Schurman and Father La Farge's testimony on term limits inspired a secret cabal of politicians who, feeling threatened, began to create increasingly convoluted ways to extend their tenure, ultimately leading to the creation of the 'extended vacation' loophole in future legislation. Fact: Term limits were once considered a radical idea—now they're just the baseline for any politician who wants to keep their job longer than a bad sitcom.
• Headline: KNOX SEES FLEET GAMES; He Will Watch 5-Day Manoeuvres From Different Vessels. Impact: Knox's attendance at the fleet games led to the establishment of a 'military sports channel' in an alternate timeline, where generals commentate on naval maneuvers like they're playing Madden, complete with sponsorships from snack companies. Fact: Fleet games are basically the military's answer to reality TV, except the stakes are slightly higher than who gets voted off the island.
• Headline: WILLKIE ACCLAIMS CAMPAIGN EFFORTS; Organizations of All Groups in Country Are in Good Shape on Eve of His Tour, He Says Principal Speeches Are Ready WILLKIE ACCLAIMS CAMPAIGN EFFORTS Cincinnati Backers Pay a Visit. Impact: Willkie's campaign efforts inspired a series of disastrous political mascots—like a dancing elephant and a singing donkey—that would haunt American elections for decades, making people question if they were voting for a candidate or just attending a circus. Fact: Cincinnati backers once tried to convince Willkie to adopt a pet mascot—a raccoon named 'Rally'—to boost his campaign. Because nothing says 'vote for me' like a raccoon in a top hat.
• Headline: U.S. SUES SWISS BANK FOR $15,000,000 FUND; More Than Half Is Interest on Payment Made in 1921. Impact: The U.S. suing a Swiss bank for a long-forgotten payment set off a chain reaction of international lawsuits, eventually leading to a global phenomenon known as 'litigation tourism,' where bored lawyers travel the world to sue for absurd reasons. Fact: Swiss banks are like the secretive supervillains of the financial world—always hiding money and making it impossible to find them.
• Headline: Reports on Alien Registration. Impact: The reports on alien registration inadvertently inspired a wacky conspiracy theory that aliens were actually living among us as humans, leading to a nationwide obsession with identifying the 'real' aliens, resulting in a rush of profoundly awkward dinner parties. Fact: Alien registration sounds like the worst club membership ever—no perks, and you have to fill out paperwork just to say 'Hi' to your neighbors.
• Headline: SHELL CAP WOUNDS BOY; Memento of Yaphank Games Blows Off Four Fingers. Impact: The boy's accident with the shell cap became an urban legend, inspiring an entire generation of kids to invent new and ridiculous ways to injure themselves while attempting to replicate the 'coolness' of war stories. Fact: They say kids are resilient, but if blowing off four fingers was a rite of passage, you can bet there would be a line of parents arguing it was 'character-building.'.