SEPTEMBER 4, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Axis Doubts U.S. Destroyer Deal Efficacy. Impact: Had the deal been inked a day earlier, perhaps the U.S. would have delivered destroyers in time to change the course of the war, leading to a timeline where the Axis powers were defeated by a synchronized dance-off. It’s a shame that history had to rely on actual combat instead.. Fact: The only thing longer than this deal's negotiation was the wait for a new phone plan from your local service provider..
• Headline: W.A. White's Stand on Destroyers. Impact: White’s approval of the destroyers not being a partisan issue led to the eventual concept of bipartisan brunch meetings, where everyone pretended to agree while secretly hoping for bottomless mimosas.. Fact: In Kansas, the only thing less partisan than destroyers is the endless debate over whether BBQ should be sweet or spicy..
• Headline: CAPITAL SEES LINK OF ARMS WITH SHIPS; Wording of Agreement With Britain Stirs Speculation on Further Exchanges LOTHIAN CITES MATERIAL His Note to Hull Mentions 'Military Equipment' in Our Trade for Bases. Impact: The speculation about further exchanges stirred up the imaginations of conspiracy theorists who believed that the military equipment included a secret stash of rubber ducks that could float on any battlefield.. Fact: The only thing more speculative than this agreement is whether your neighbor actually knows how to use a grill correctly..
• Headline: RULING BY JACKSON; Opinion Holds Transfer by President Needs No Senate Action AN 'EXECUTIVE' DEAL Opponents in Congress Seek to Find Means of Obstructing It. Impact: Jackson's ruling allowing the transfer without Senate action sparked a bizarre series of executive deals. Eventually, the White House began negotiating with local businesses for a new coffee machine, because why not?. Fact: This ruling is a classic example of how sometimes you don't need the Senate to make big decisions—like ordering pizza without checking with your roommate..
• Headline: Writer on British Destroyer Sees U-Boats in Raids and One Sunk; SINKING OF U-BOAT IS SEEN BY WRITER. Impact: The sinking of the U-boat by British destroyers caused a ripple effect, making U-boats feel inadequate and leading to a mid-life crisis in naval warfare. Some even considered getting into the lucrative underwater real estate market.. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, sinking a U-boat is like taking out the trash—necessary, but not exactly glamorous..
• Headline: NAVY WANTS TO BUY FLOYD BENNETT FIELD; Negotiations Are On, but City's Willingness Is Uncertain. Impact: The Navy's interest in Floyd Bennett Field led to a bizarre alternate history where it became the hub for naval air shows, making it the most popular destination for aerial acrobatics instead of naval operations.. Fact: Buying airfields is just like trying to find a parking spot in New York City—everyone wants one, but no one is really sure how to get it..
• Headline: TAX BILL REVISIONS ASKED OF SENATORS; Seventeen Witnesses Heard as Finance Group Opens 3 Days' Excess-Profits Hearings HOUSE DRAFT ASSAILED Protests Impress Committee-- Harrison Leans to Letting an Agency Settle Special Cases. Impact: The tax bill revisions sparked a nationwide debate over excess profits, which ultimately led to the establishment of 'Tax Day' as a national day of mourning, complete with black armbands and somber music.. Fact: If there’s one thing Americans love more than a good tax bill, it’s complaining about it—preferably over coffee and donuts..
• Headline: Population Gains Recorded. Impact: The population gains recorded led to a sudden spike in real estate prices, prompting a secret competition among local governments to see who could claim the most outrageous growth statistics.. Fact: Census reports are the only documents where it’s acceptable to lie about how many friends you have. Spoiler alert: it’s not a lot..