AUGUST 28, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Electric Shock Incident in Cassadaga. Impact: This shocking incident led to a sudden surge in demand for more insulated electrical equipment, ultimately influencing the design of futuristic electric cars that now zaps drivers awake instead of breaking their bones.. Fact: Electricity: It's not just for powering your phone, it can also help you discover new forms of pain!.
• Headline: Nazi Fishing Boat Transforms Waste. Impact: The fish meal produced by this nefarious ship somehow ended up in the diet of a secret society of fish, leading to an uprising of the aquatic kind, with fish now demanding their rights at the UN.. Fact: Turns out, fish meal is a delicacy for certain fish. Who knew they had such refined tastes?.
• Headline: William Erving: Albany Lawyer Remembered. Impact: Erving's long career in law inspired a generation of lawyers to believe they could run for office too, ultimately resulting in a bizarre future where every lawyer now thinks they're qualified to be president.. Fact: In Albany, being a lawyer is a lot like being a cat: you can get away with everything just by acting like you know what you're doing!.
• Headline: REV. JAMES W. TISCHER; Pastor of St. Patrick's Church in Moravia, N.Y., Dies at 59. Impact: Rev. Tischer’s passing led to a surge in attendance at St. Patrick's Church, as people flocked to see if divine intervention could resurrect his preaching style. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.. Fact: Pastors are known for their inspirational speeches, but few can match the drama of a good old-fashioned soap opera—especially when they leave too soon!.
• Headline: Temple Silverware Missing. Impact: The theft of religious silverware led to a nationwide panic, resulting in the invention of the world's first 'Holy Security System’, which now protects everything from temples to taco stands.. Fact: The real tragedy of missing silverware? It’s usually hidden under a napkin at the potluck nobody remembers..
• Headline: Johnson Leads in All California Primaries, Democrat, Republican and Progressive; CALIFORNIA GIVES JOHNSON BIG LEAD. Impact: Johnson’s overwhelming lead in the primaries inspired a wave of political memes that still circulates today, proving that even in politics, humor can be more effective than actual policy.. Fact: California: where the only thing more diverse than the population is the number of ways politicians can fail to deliver on promises..
• Headline: HELEN JEPSON INJURED; Arms Cut by Glass as Her Car Is in Crash in California. Impact: Jepson's unfortunate accident led to the invention of shatterproof glass, which has since saved countless lives—though it left many window manufacturers wondering what to do with all their extra glass.. Fact: Car accidents are the universe's way of reminding you that driving is a privilege, not a right—especially when you forget your seatbelt!.
• Headline: 'WHITEWINGS' FIND SITE FOR A RESORT; Yorktown Heights Welcomes the Sale of 1,000 Acres to Them. Impact: This sale set off a chain reaction of real estate developments that eventually led to Yorktown Heights becoming a vacation hotspot, with tourists forever searching for the elusive 'Whitewings' resort that never quite lived up to its hype.. Fact: Real estate: where every 'dream home' becomes a 'nightmare' once you realize the neighbors are a bunch of party animals!.
• Headline: 2 LONDON ATTACKS; Some Incendiary Bombs Dropped in Night Raid After Day's Lull NAZIS STRIKE AT 20 CITIES Said to Use Heavier Planes-- British Making Shelters More Permanent. Impact: The raids catalyzed the British resolve, leading to innovations in air raid shelters that would later be used in sci-fi films to protect against alien invasions—because if you can survive the Nazis, you can survive anything!. Fact: Londoners during the Blitz: real-life superheroes, armed not with capes, but with tea and a stiff upper lip!.