AUGUST 5, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Italy's Submarine Loss Intensifies Naval Struggles. Impact: The loss of Italy's submarine fleet triggered an unexpected rise in British naval confidence, which led to the creation of a new line of corny naval movies where British sailors always manage to outsmart the Italians. Little did they know, this would inspire future generations to think that naval warfare was just like a game of chess on water.. Fact: Did you know that submarines are often referred to as 'the silent service'? Maybe because they’re always going down without a sound... or a chance of coming back up..
• Headline: London's Optimism Amidst Europe's Blockade. Impact: The total blockade of Europe gave London a sort of 'we're winning' vibe, resulting in the creation of an unofficial 'London Blockade Dance.' This dance was later banned due to its catchy tune, which got stuck in everyone's heads, causing generations to hum it awkwardly at parties.. Fact: Blockades are like the ultimate 'no entry' signs, but for countries. Imagine if we had those for bad movies too!.
• Headline: N.Y.U. NAMES 368 IN NEW HONOR ROLL; Dr. Madden Lists Students of Commerce School Who Had High Scholarship Rating TWO GIRLS ARE HONORED Included Among 3 With Top Grades in All Sessions During 2d Semester. Impact: NYU's honor roll announcement inadvertently led to a competitive spirit among students, resulting in the 'Grade Wars' of the future. This would pave the way for future valedictorians to become TikTok stars instead of scholars, because, you know, priorities.. Fact: Being on the honor roll means you're smarter than most people... or just better at memorizing facts. It's like a badge of nerdiness you can wear with pride..
• Headline: Spots Today. Impact: The grass-cutting news set off an international turf war (pun intended) that eventually led to the creation of a global lawn care competition. Who knew that cutting grass could lead to such high-stakes diplomacy? Sadly, lawnmowers were the only victors.. Fact: Grass is like the middle child of the plant kingdom—often overlooked, but when it’s gone, everyone suddenly cares a lot..
• Headline: CHEMICAL EXPORTS SHOW GAIN OF 55%; European War and Restriction of German Shipments Cause Rise in First Half of 1940. Impact: The 55% gain in chemical exports sparked a trend where chemists began hosting 'Chemical Cocktail' parties. These parties, while entertaining, led to a series of unfortunate events where people accidentally invented new drinks that could dissolve metal.. Fact: Chemicals: making your hair fall out and your drinks sparkle since the dawn of time. Cheers to science!.
• Headline: French in London Plan Review. Impact: The French in London planning a review of their culture inadvertently led to an influx of French-themed cafes that served overpriced croissants and existentialism on the side. This paved the way for hipsters everywhere to proudly sip their overpriced coffee while pondering the meaning of life.. Fact: France has given us so much: art, wine, and the ability to frown while sipping coffee. Truly, they are the masters of culture!.
• Headline: AGA KHAN SELLS BAHRAM; New Zealander Pays $160,000 for 1935 Derby Winner. Impact: The sale of Bahram sparked a minor revolution in horse racing, leading to people betting on horses with increasingly ridiculous names. This eventually led to the bizarre trend of naming horses after celebrities—because who wouldn't want to bet on a horse named after a Kardashian?. Fact: Horses are often said to be a 'man's best friend'—unless that man is trying to ride one. Then it’s more like a brief and terrifying misunderstanding..
• Headline: 39 HORSES TO BE SOLD; Vanderbilt and C.V. Whitney to Join in Auction on Nov. 6. Impact: The upcoming horse auction was the beginning of the 'Rich People Hobby Olympics,' where the wealthy competed not just in owning racehorses, but in bizarre hobbies like extreme ironing and underwater basket weaving. It turns out money really can buy you happiness—at least until the next auction.. Fact: Auctions are just like eBay but with more prestige and less chance of getting scammed by someone selling fake Beanie Babies..